Thought for the Day:
Maya Angelou stated “ I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
This past year, I became a full time caregiver to my dad. It is not my first experience taking care of someone elderly. During a break between school, I took care of my neighbor’s mother, prompting me to change my major from psychology to nursing. And then while in nursing school, I stayed at night with a ninety six year woman and her sixty six year old daughter. When my grandmother, Mam Maw, was no longer able to live independently, she stayed with my parents for six months and then with my Aunt for the rest of the year, and I assisted with her care.
During this past year, out of 365 days of the year, my dad and I were at national chain for breakfast 363 days. And I noticed that for many my dad had disappeared. Most assumed that since he was elderly that I would be placing, and paying, for the order. After a while it got really old. And honestly I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I ended up just pointing to my dad when they came for the order, and when they came back with the check.
Not that I am only pointing fingers at the young servers, even two different local physicians plied me with questions first. Again, I would re-direct them to my Dad. Because even with aging and dementia, my father has value and needs acknowledgement.
Recently at work, we took a survey on horizontal violence, which in a nutshell is diminishing another person’s worth, by sarcasm, ridicule, or excluding that individual or individuals. Some examples are when co-workers are making plans for lunch, or after hours drinks, or even friending others on Facebook but ignoring others. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? If you have children that are attending school, then they have probably faced this before. There, they call it a form of bullying.
Have you notice that people ignore the elderly? Have you experienced horizontal violence at work, or have your kids experienced bullying? Do your “pass it forward good deed today” by acknowledging another individual’s worth and value.
– Leigh AAR
Audrey, what you did is exactly what I wanted for my Dad. And some people did take the time to interact with him. A few even learned his name.
Victoria, what a nice story about FYE. I think a lot of talking to the families and instead of the individual has to do with with the individuals wanting to save time. I will agree that my Dad is not a great historian, but I at least want them to give him a chance. And don’t ask me about pain, ask him.
Thank you both for sharing.
I had a sister who was born physically and mentally handicapped. And we learned over the years to weed out any doctors in her life who did not talk to her so SHE could understand what was going on. And though I found, through my sister’s 43 years of life, that most people are indeed nice and compassionate if given the chance; there were those who were not that whom we had to teach her to deal with
My sister and 3 of her buddies used to go bowling for Special Olympics every Sunday. After bowling, I would take them to a local mall, and they would walk around until closing. Their favorite store was FYE as all of them were DVD and CD crazy, and the went in FYE every Sunday for years and years. One day, while shopping in FYE another patron came up to them and said something rude. When they got to the counter , they mentioned the incident to the clerk. The young man told them to immediately come up to the front desk if anything like that EVER happened again, and he would be sure to take care of it. I like to think that it was not just because they were such good customers, but because he really did look out for them while they were in that store. I’ve loved that particular FYE in that mall ever since :-)
I’m just over 50 now, and even though my face isn’t too wrinkly yet, my hair is almost completely gray. I’ve had a few instances, most notably in a restaurant and in the hospital, where people have treated me as though I wasn’t able to understand, so I’ve gotten a taste of how it’s going to be when the face matches the hair. :)
I remember when I was a sixteen year old waitress, and was taking an order from a man with a significant stutter. I didn’t do or say anything, just waited until he was done, took his order like usual. I didn’t think anything of it until he thanked me afterward and explained that a lot of people would jump in to finish his sentence or talk over him, making him feel like he was such an imposition.
Tee,
Someone who is very un-appreciative is extremely difficult to take care of. While I didn’t have to deal with it, my mother did when she took care of my dad’s mother. Any caregiving job wears you down, but when people are ugly, even more so.
LeeB.
So true.
Some people are just wrapped up in themselves or don’t think of others. I guess you just do the best you can and treat people as you would wish to be treated and hope for the best.
After having had to care for my father, my mother and now my mother-in-law, I do notice that older people are occasionally ignored by some people. But I don’t think that’s the case with everyone. There are times, I believe, when the older people bring it on themselves, just by their attiutudes and behaviors. Sometimes this can’t be helped; but other times, it’s intentional on their part.
My mother-in-law is almost deaf, so obviously she can’t hear well (even with a hearing aid) and we need to interpret (translate: scream) to her, so the doctors usually end up talking to us. She speaks very loudly and that can be so embarassing in a public situation, especially if she’s not careful what she’s saying or what subject she’s discussing. Also, she can become quite beligerant when things don’t go her way (which is often), when she encounters new faces in doctors’ offices—you name it. If it’s not what she wants to do, it doesn’t matter who’s inconvenienced.
My thoughts are that those people who deal with the elderly on a consistent basis (whether professionally or familial) almost have to become immune to these behavioral issues and deal with them the best they can and ignore the small stuff. Otherwise, they’ll become emotionally drained. I know I’ve had to develop a tougher skin in order to get through the day at times. My parents, fortunately, were not at all like that and I had nothing but cooperation from them and constant thank-yous. I am even more thankful now for their behavior as I look back since they’ve died, because it’s difficult not to compare it to the way my mother-in-law reacts to just about everything.
I do the best I can with her, but I have steeled myself that she will be negative for whatever we attempt to do to help make her life a bit easier. She asks for things, but is never satisfied that it’s the right color, the correct size or whatever. It’s very frustrating and once in a while I’d like to hear a thank you or something positive.
So, Leigh, I agree that your father should not be ignored. No person should. But that quote that says “We teach people how to treat us” is very true. By every person’s behaviors and interactions with people, others respond to us in kind, usually, or eventually. Only the saints continue on differently and I bet they’re even tempted to do otherwise at times. LOL