the ask@AAR: Why is the sexiest question in sex so rarely asked in romance?
We’ve discussed here how we feel about consent in romance–in general, good–although there are those, me among them, who feel constant questions in a love scene are hard to do well. For the sake of this week’s discussion, let’s agree asking for consent is a given. And that’s good.
What doesn’t appear to be a given is asking about pleasure. In romance after romance, lovers, usually heroes, are innately great in bed. They know, without a single word, what would drive their partner to screaming orgasms. This seems… unlikely. When there is a discussion about how a lover likes to be pleasured, it’s usually voiced by the hero. I’ve read six thousand scenes–historical romance, I’m looking at you–where the hero tells the heroine how to handle his equipment, often very specifically–no teeth, rub harder, etc….
It’s rare a man asks “what do you like?” or “what makes you quiver?”* It’s as if being a great lover means knowing, with no input, a lover’s body better than she does. This isn’t how people tend to work.
Some women love to have their breasts touched, others, not so much. A heroine might love or loathe having anal stimulation yet I’ve never read a scene where she’s asked about her feelings on the subject. Sexual pleasure is individualistic and, if you ask me, a great lover asks for directions. (Writing that sentence made me think of this scene in Chasing Amy, one of my favorite 90s films.)
But in romance novels, it often feels like that’s uncool or unromantic. What do you think? Do you like scenes where lovers offer directions? If not, why not? And if you can point me to some scenes where feedback is done well, that would be excellent!
*I am thinking about this question primarily in the context of f/m romances.
Well, I can’t say much here because I don’t read them very often, but I’ve definitely read plenty of “what do you like?” questions in m/m.
I was thinking the same thing,which seems to reinforce the notion that men in romances talk about such things. I wonder if you get these kinds of questions in ff romances?
Yes, I had the same thought!
Yes, it seems to be the norm in all the m/m books I’ve read recently.
Dan Savage – a well-known journalist and marriage equality activist – has a number of excellent Q&A sessions on YouTube. In at least one, he points out that communication between gay partners is “necessary” – there isn’t the automatic “insert tab a into slot b” assumptions between partners. Gays have to talk to each other; and good communication = better sexual experiences. It is one of the advantages/strengths hetero couples sh/could learn from their gay friends. . . .
In historical romance, we’re often dealing with untried virgins who haven’t done much exploration and would probably die of mortification if asked what they like. So in those, it’s a matter of experimentation, and the hero asking, “Do you like that?”
That makes sense–and I totally get that for someone with no experience being asked what they like isn’t usually appropriate.
Just a minor correction that Chasing Amy is a late 90s movie!
Ugh! Typo. I’ll fix it. Thanks for pointing it out!
This very topic is why books like Rosalind Takes the Cake and The Heart Principle are “important”. There is at least one example in each, in which the partners communicate about what will make for a good experience for the female partner. Unfortunately, it is the male partner who broaches the subject in both cases. But at least the conversation is taking place. Now that the ice is being broken, maybe this too (like consent) will be a more normal part of romances *and* we’ll see some female characters bringing up the subject in the not too distant future.
Nothing But Trouble by Rachel Gibson has the heroine telling the hero that she doesn’t enjoy her breasts being stimulated even though they are large (and med always assume she would like that because they do). That book, one of my favorites in the Chinook hockey series, also worked on themes of body image, as the heroine was putting up with her personal assistant job in order to make enought money to have a breast reduction.
Most of the heroines in that series are able to express what they specifically want. I really like that about those books.
The whole idea that women don’t ask for what they want when having sex comes from the idea that women should be seen and not heard. Our input traditionally hasn’t been valued. The man is the boss. It’s the patriarchal way of thinking. Thank goodness we’re moving past this way of thinking. I’m so appreciative of all the women now, and in the past, who did the heavy lifting in helping me get a voice and a choice.
My thought is exactly the opposite. I read it not that women should be seen and not heard, but that it would be nice not to HAVE to be seen and heard to have a good sexual experience, that it’s a fantasy to be able to sit back and entrust your pleasure to someone else.
This is addressed directly in Jennifer Crusie’s Welcome to Temptation. The heroine Sophie tells the hero Phineas, “I’m responsible for my own orgasm,” and Phin responds, “Why?” Then he tells her “Let me give you an orgasm you don’t have to work for.”
I think you and Mag both make good points. A lot of it depends on what kind of fantasy a particular romance reader wants to experience. For some readers, the whole, “Let me give you an orgasm you don’t have to work for” is swoon worthy, whereas others would find the hero’s declaration incredibly arrogant and unromantic. Based on the popularity of mainstream category romance novels, I’m guessing Mr. Magical Sex God falls into the sexy category for the bulk of readers. Unfortunately, it doesn’t leave room for a lot of variety. I know I wouldn’t mind seeing some more examples of heroines who express preferences (“Oh, yes. *Moves hero’s hand* There! Don’t you dare stop!”) and heroes eager to implement them.
P.S. The “I’m responsible for my own orgasm” line immediately brings to mind the scene in Tootsie where Sandy goes on a rant. She says, “I read The Cinderella Complex! I’m responsible for my own orgasm!” :-)
She was probably quoting that – her character is always quoting movies.
I don’t think those things are the same. Working for one’s own pleasure is different, to me, than illuminating what one finds pleasurable.
Yet another interesting question for the Ask, with some great comments so far!
I like Carrie’s idea below about HR heroes asking a heroine later what her favorite acts were. After all, a titled Regency virgin heroine would have been unlikely to know what she liked before she had ever done it. A lot of sheltered women in regimented lifestyles (even up to the modern era) really were clueless in those matters.
For a story rec that handles sexual directions well, I remember being pleasantly surprised by the erotic HR romance Improper Proposals by Juliana Ross. The plot involves a vicar’s widow striking up a secret relationship with her publisher while writing a marriage manual for young brides. In a refreshing twist, the heroine had a happy marriage before meeting her publisher hero. However, she felt awkward discussing sex with her own husband because she was in the mindset that a vicar’s wife wasn’t supposed to act too knowledgeable or express preferences outright in the bedroom. She comes to regret this but gets to start anew with the hero, who helps her overcome her inhibitions both in bed and in the book she’s writing.
Also, A Wicked Bargain for the Duke by Megan Frampton floored me with its realism. The first time the hero and heroine have sex, the heroine is left thinking something like, “That was nice, I guess. But was that all? It was kind of… meh.” Later, since this is a marriage of convenience just to produce an heir, the heroine decides she’s going to have as much fun as possible while doing it. So she confronts the hero (as nicely as possible!) with a literal list of likes and wants for sex. The heroine is big on making lists in general, a quirk she shares with the hero, so he is charmed by how she presents the idea. Then they get to have fun implementing her suggestions.
Other than that, I can’t think of any other m/f examples offhand that show the heroine expressing what she likes or giving directions.
In historical romance where it’s usually a given that the lover is a virgin,I can see where the question of “what do you like” wouldn’t enter into the heroes’ head. But I think it would really cool to have a later scene in the book where the hero asks something like, “Of all the things we’ve done together,what have you enjoyed the most?” I think this could be spun into a fun conversation and a great sex scene.
In contemporary romances I don’t see why it should be “uncool or unromantic.” In fact, it seems to me it would be just the opposite. A simple,”What’s your favorite thing to do in bed?” could be the start of a very sexy, fun scene. Or, “Do you have any favorite toys for bed?”
I agree with Caz that you get more of this in mm romances and I like that. It seems to me,especially in CR, that mf romances could easily do the same without making the hero seem less of a sex god.
Sorry, I don’t have the kind of memory that lets me recall specific details in specific books!
I think it shows consideration and humility to ask for suggestions or feedback. The Old Skool historical romance hero would never do that, firstly because he is a sex god and secondly because suggesting that the heroine might know what she likes might infer doubts about her morality…. but that’s no excuse for more recent historical heroes. If a modern historical can be full of 21st century social attitudes why can’t they also have heroes with modern sensibilities when it comes to sex?
I have read contemporaries with heroes who have less sexual experience than the heroines, in which there tends to be more communication. I like that dynamic because it does give a sense of equality and take the omnipotent lover aspect out of play.
It’s not just CR that has heroes who have less sexual experience. Both Carla Kelly and Mary Balogh have had heroes like this and AAR has a Virginal Heroes Special Titles listing. Books like that are very appealing to me. On the general question, though, there should be give and take, Q&As and consideration of a partner’s sexual experience in any loving relationship so I like it when a writer handles this well. Agreed that the Old Skool romances are, with hindsight, pretty unpalatable in many respects. I don’t mean the effect of the #metoo stuff, just rounded characters with kind, considerate and loving attitudes are enough for me. FWIW, I don’t really care for continual questioning and permission-seeking as it smacks of making love while holding a legal textbook and looking over the shoulder for the thought police; no thanks – life isn’t really like that. Or at least in my dotage, I hope it isn’t!! Glad I am not 18 again.
Everything in moderation!
So true! He’s always kept a mistress or had a woman in every port. Or he’s always been a rogue and a known womanizer (until he meets the Heroine). So naturally he’s oozing with experience at love-making and satisfying his lover. Because all that practice makes perfect, right?
That whole set up sort of lumps all women together in way.