the ask@AAR: What’s the most important characteristic a lover can have?
When my husband and I were first dating, we’d have this satisfying conversation about relational deal breakers. (We’d proverbially pat ourselves on the back because we, of course, did not have each other’s “I simply couldn’t be with someone who had/was _______________.” That’s how humans work–we find it easy to enumerate flaws. We don’t tend to be as quick to identify strengths.
Last week’s ask@AAR about whether or not it’s OK for lovers to lie to one another made me assess how important honesty is to me in a lover. It matters to me sure, but it wouldn’t be the one thing my partner has to have. For me–and I don’t think this reflects especially well–it is intelligence. By this I mean that combination of education and smarts that make up being really smart. (And yes, Dr. Feelgood is literally the smartest person I know.)
Now, luckily in real life we don’t have to settle for just one quality. BUT. For the purposes of this discussion, if your ideal significant other had to have one attribute, what would it be? And is that also the one characteristic your dream romance novel partner would have? And if not, why not?
This has been a thought provoking question. I have asked the people around me to tell me their answer. I have been married 30+ years to the same man, and we were together for several years before that. I think as young DINKs I would have said one thing, while raising our children, I would have said something else. Now, a new empty-nester, I think I want my partner to be able to engage in personal growth. For me, now, in this time of change, we need to be able to grow and change if we are going to figure out this next chapter together.
Not sure if “friendliness” describes what “attribute” I value most but my DH and I were friends long before we became lovers, partners and spouses. I think that the ability to befriend people (and animals – I turned him into a cat lover!!) is very important because as time goes on in a long relationship, living with someone who is your closest friend is immensely valuable and satisfying when age or poor health or hard times may impinge on life. It also means that those who are able to befriend others can be a person with excellent relations with a range of people and that helps life go on in a smooth, kind, non-judgmental way and earns support and friendship back.
If I can only choose one characteristic, I’d choose self-awareness. I think all the other traits we want in a lover/partner/spouse proceed from that person having insight into who they are and why they do the things they do. People who are kind, considerate, have a good sense of humor, and a good sense of proportion almost always have a strong level of self-awareness.
A strong moral, a great desire to always do the right thing considering that “the right thing” puts his partner and his family first, not something like “I sacrifice my partner for the good of the world.”
A man who wants to act well even if he is not affectionate or pleasant will learn: he will know that hitting or controlling someone he loves is wrong, cheating on his partner is not something he would do and neither will he mistreat others.
At the beginning I also thought about respect or kindness but I think that a man with great moral values will respect his partner will assume that it should be like that (at least in my experience) and he can learn to be more kind, I have met really kind men who cheat on his partner or he doesn’t really care for she.
Respect. I think relationships of any kind will have difficulties if respect is not there or eventually wears off.
I’d have to go with kindness.
I love smart heroes as well but I cannot enjoy a romance if the hero is cruel to the heroine. Even if he’s a real s.o.b. to the rest of the world if he’s good to the heroine he can reel me in.
Of course there’s a whole host of other qualities like humor, loyalty etc that are important as well but kindness (and I don’t mean he has to be the kindest person in the world) is probably the most important to me.
Interesting question. I think the characteristic I’d most value is reliability. It may not be the most exciting trait, but I like the idea of someone who’s there when you need them, someone who won’t just say they’ll do something for you, but who means it and does it. I’ve known more than enough people who made empty promises, or who shuffled me to the back of their priority line until I fell off it. So the best way a significant other can show I matter to them is to not let me down.
Looking over my romance keeper shelf, I’d say many of the romances I loved most have heroes who do the same thing, whether it’s working for the heroine (Simple Jess, Morning Glory), protecting her in some way, or just being there for her. I actually like enemies-to-lovers romances, but I prefer them to work along the lines of GWTW, where despite the hero and heroine locking horns, he encourages her and helps her when she needs it.
I was going to say a trustworthy, but I think reliability gets the same idea across. After a disastrous first marriage with someone for whom gaslighting was a full time occupation, someone I could trust was at the top of my list of traits for a spouse. Happy to say I scored big with number 2!