the ask@AAR: What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever gotten/gave?
Sixty years ago today, at nine in the morning, in a US army hospital in Munich, I arrived in this world. Since then, I’ve lived in countless homes in seven states–we left Germany when I was 18 months old–gotten a few degrees, raised four children, spent 35 years in the company of my spouse, had a series of careers and, overall, have had a reasonably wonderful life.
I’ve always been a know it all, the oldest of four and nerdy little girl who learned early on that one way to deal with bullies–we moved every few years when I was growing up–was to disarm them with big words and obscure facts. (This somehow worked in the 60s and early 70s.) Over time, I’ve also turned into someone who adores to give and, occasionally, get advice.
I’m especially fond of pithy blunt advice. When my children were growing up, every day when I dropped them off at school, I’d say “Make good choices. Don’t take any wooden nickels. Always respect your body.” (One of the highlights of my middle son’s young life was finding a place that sold actual wooden nickels for a quarter each. He bought me four.)
I come by the advice thing naturally. My sainted mother is full of helpful hints, often unasked for. When I was a whiny teen, she’d say, “Life is not fair. Which is fine.” and “Do unto others….” After I had my first baby, she said “Don’t forget to be a wife.” (She was very serious about this. She made Dr. Feelgood and I go on a date four days after my C-section while she stayed at home with our son.) All of her 12 grandchildren parrot her wisdoms which, honestly, is the best thing ever.
Over the years, I’ve gotten or discovered many excellent pieces of advice. A few of my favorites are:
Focus more on your desire than on your doubt, and the dream will take care of itself. from Mark Twain
In happy relationships, each person feels as though they’re doing 60% of the work. from the best marriage counselor on the planet
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was. from a poster on my first boyfriend’s bedroom wall
There are only two lasting bequeaths we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots the other wings. from Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The best thing to hold onto in life is each other. from Audrey Hepburn
To whom much is given, much is required. from my grandfather to all of his grandchildren every single time we saw him
You can never judge the interior of someone else’s marriage. from my mom
How about you? What’s the best advice you’ve ever gotten? Given?
Not so much advice as timely observations- “Not your circus- not your monkeys” and “If you want to make God laugh, make plans”.
Happy Birthday to Dabney and all the other May babies out there. . .
Lots of great suggestions below. Best advice I’ve ever gotten (that hasn’t been mentioned yet) relates to being a parent: make time for date night for you and spouse. It doesn’t have to be expensive or glamorous. But find the money to pay a baby-sitter if you have to, and go be adults together once in a while. Babies grow up and become their own people. But if all else goes well, your spouse is the one you want to be there when the kids move on.
My favorite parenting advice to give: make sure mom gets at least one (or two) solid blocks of REM sleep at night per week. When my son was born, I was at home with him and breast feeding; my husband was working outside the house. I took it upon myself to be the one to get up every night, for every feeding. It only took a couple of months, and I still remember the day I realized I was on a serious, sleep-deprived edge. I called my husband at work to tell him he HAD to get up with the baby that night. I HAD to get one night of sleep. Sleep deprivation is real and dangerous. One six-seven hour block of sleep was all it took to regain myself.
Very good advice about the sleep for moms. My kids never nursed and went back to sleep. They stayed up for one to three hours and then nursed and went back to sleep. All 5 of them. After 15 years with a baby or toddler waking up at least once every night, I was completely sleep deprived with chronic insomnia. It took a specialist and meds to get me back on track eventually. Better planning could have prevented that.My husband was willing, but I thought since I was a stay-at-home mom I should get up with the kids. I still have to take meds to get a consistent night’s sleep.
I honestly believe weekly date nights are the reason I’m still married after four kids and two careers.
When I had my twins–my other two were 5 and 3–we imported a young woman from France whose grandmother was a friend of my parents. She wanted to improve her English and was willing to come and help for several months for room and board. We had a schedule–I stayed up with the twins until 11 and then slept until 6. She did the 11 to 4 feedings (I pumped) and my husband did the 4 to 6 before he went to work. It was a game changer for me. After she left, her best friend came. This meant that for the first six months, I got enough rest. Such a gift.
Happy birthday , a bit too late!
Thank you. It’s great to be 60!
You can fall in and out of love with the same person many times.
A colleague once gave me the great advice not to write work-related e-mails when upset or emotional about a situation. She recommended saving the e-mail as a draft then coming back to it the next day or just waiting until the next day to write it. I have found it valuable advice as it forces me to take more time to think about the situation, sleep on it and inevitably I have a better perspective the next day and can tone down any inflammatory language I used in the draft. It’s hard to wait but makes for better work relationships!
My parents had this agreement that when my father wanted to write a pissed-off email at someone, he could do so, but my mother had to check it before he could send it. One night he came home late after a church meeting angry about something that had happened there. Everyone else was asleep, so he wrote a furious email to the pastor, and then went to hit Save. Guess which button was right next to Save.
He had to attend a different church after that.
This is my rule and I have forced it on Dr. Feelgood as well. Email is forever and it’s not in anyone’s best interest to blast people with anger when, a day later, you might see it with more calm.
Good one!
When it comes to work emails (or even text messages between coworkers), I always ask myself, “How would this sound if it were being read in a courtroom?” Because, you never know…
“Don’t ask for what you don’t want.” I told my colleagues this when they wanted me to apply to be a department head. I once argued myself out of my neighbor paying for the fence that her tree had knocked down. “Oh, let me,” I volunteered, expecting her to follow the “nice” script and say, “Oh, no. It was my tree.” Instead, she said, “Oh, ok.” A variation: “Don’t ask, if you really would rather not know or if it’s none of your business.” I try to practice this–but often fail, as I am a curious person.
Another teacher had a big sign in his office that I often try to apply: “Never ascribe to malice what can be attributed to stupidity.” There are, again, lot of variations: what can be attributed to ignorance, fear, thoughtlessness, etc. the nice thing about this one is it encourages forgiveness.
Mine is a bit weird because it involves my dad, who is a Real Character and often annoying, although in this case, he was spectacularly right:
One of my dad’s hobbies is linguistics and he used to harp on us to stop using the word “but” in sentences, particularly when we’re trying to express anything emotional or psychological because he believes that word invalidates the clause before it. He always lectured us to replace “but” with “and” so instead of “I agree with you, but…” he’d suggest saying “I agree with you, and…”
Of course, this was incredibly obnoxious and micro-managing! However, as I’ve gotten older and realized how tricky emotional communication can be sometimes, it has really helped. It’s particularly useful when two emotional contradictions are true at the same time (i.e., I love someone who I want to break up with or I fight with someone I care for) and I want to express myself without diminishing either feeling.
OMG. Was he my professor in grad school? Because I had a professor who hammered the and not but thing into every student he taught and it has stayed with me ever since. It’s one the best language game changers I know of.
LOL, no, but I’m glad he’s not the only one running around with this MO. “Language game changer” is a perfect way of describing it!
I honestly believe we’d be less polarized if we said and rather than but whenever we are talking with people with whom we disagree.
I’ve never heard this before; AND I like it!
What I received – and often pass on – is that the first time you do anything is the hardest (with the implication that it will get easier, and better, as you continue).
I have two pieces of advice, one given to me and one I am going to give.
The first was given to me when I was tying myself in knots trying to make other people happy, but not making myself happy. I was told ”You can’t be nice to everyone” but what they really meant was “It’s OK to be nice to yourself”. Why did I think I had to go on a date with someone I didn’t like because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings by saying no? Why was I putting everyone else’s feelings above my own about so many things? That little talk gave me the permission to treat myself as well as I treat everyone else, which is something I think a lot of women find hard to do.
My advice to everyone else is “If you can do it now, do it.” Meaning if you can afford to take that trip, have that experience or buy that thing you have been wanting, do it. Do it now. Don’t put it off one, two or ten years if you don’t have to.
I’ve seen too many people think that they have infinite amounts of time for them and their families to do whatever down the road, only to see people’s health and circumstances change unexpectedly. Memories are the most precious things you can have. Take the time now with your families, friends and loved ones. Life is just too unexpected and short. I’ve never known someone to say “Boy I wish I didn’t take that amazing trip or spend time with my loved ones” but I’ve heard countless times “Why didn’t we just do X when we had the chance?”
Lots of good advice on here so far! I don’t know about a single best piece of advice, but I really took to heart Martha Stewart’s saying about opportunities. It went something like,
“People say ‘opportunity knocks but once.’ But the truth is, a particular opportunity knocks but once. So don’t worry if that particular opportunity passes you by. There will always be another one.”
Good words of advice that I remind myself of often if I miss an optional submission deadline for my writing. There are always other submission opportunities! :-)
Happy birthday! :-)
Not sure this was the *best* piece of advice I ever got, but it certainly stuck with me. This came from an advisor at Georgia State during my lengthy getting-a-master’s ordeal. She was senior in the department and we hit it off to the point that I house-sat for her a few times when she and her husband traveled. (paraphrased): If you end up working in a department like this, don’t let on that you can type. Make someone junior do it for you, like the men do.
My father-in-law worked himself up through technical high school to an electrical engineer troubleshooting for a major oil company. He often said that he didn’t think luck existed. “Luck is simply preparation meeting opportunity.” In my own life, I’ve found that’s true.
A comment from a colleague at work has always stuck with me: “When someone says, ‘I have a right to…’, it means they’re about to do something horribly selfish.”
I file that under the same heading as: Whenever a person begins a sentence with, “I’m not X, but…,” the next words out of their mouth will prove that they are undoubtedly X.
And now that I’ve read Cece’s comment about “…but…” negating everything that comes before it, the “I’m not X, but [my words make it obvious I am X]” makes even more sense!
I don’t know if I was given this advice, or just figured it out after my first bad marriage, but my one piece of advice for any relationship is to assign the best possible motive to anything anyone does or says, and then go from there. I’m one for working out problems, but it helps to go into the discussion assuming the best of the other person.
We’ve been married 37 years and have gone through the death of a child and some serious family trauma and health/mental health issues with our children. Believing the best of your spouse/partner/friend is a good foundation for open communication.
From a parenting book and a good friend I got the advice to allow children to express emotions like hurt, anger, stress, tiredness, and frustration without seeing it as a discipline issue. We allow adults this freedom, why do we think children must always be in good moods? When I take a toddler shopping with me, why punish her for getting bored, tired, or irritable? Children shouldn’t be punished for age-appropriate reactions,like crying in public because you took them to one too many stores and they’re tired.
I try and assume the best of motivations for everyone. It especially helps when someone has hurt my feelings. I remind myself that they’re doing the best they can and that they didn’t mean to wound me. It’s a salve.
When my first child was born, my mother-in-law gave me a piece of advice that stood me in good stead through my years of having babies and I’ve passed it on to other new moms since then: “Babies can do five things: sleep, drink, pee, poop, and cry; and sometimes, when they’ve done the first four things, all that’s left is crying. If you’ve done everything you can to make your baby comfortable—they’ve been fed, burped, changed, cuddled, and rocked—and they’re still crying, sometimes all you can do is let them cry it out.” This saved my sanity so many times and also let me know I wasn’t a “bad” mom for occasionally letting a crying baby, ya know, cry.
The other piece of advice, sadly, came from a tragic situation: when I was 19, my 16-year-old cousin was killed in an automobile accident. It would have been a devastating experience, no matter what, but it was made worse for my aunt (my cousin’s mother) because she and my cousin had had an argument that morning and my cousin stormed out of the house and…my aunt never saw him alive again. She lived almost 30 more years after his death, but she would always say, “If I could only have that morning back again, I would tell him I loved him, no matter how angry I was.” After that, I vowed that the last thing my loved ones would hear from me before we parted ways, no matter what, is “I love you.” I always say “I love you” to my husband, my kids, other family members, and friends whenever we part physically, but also when we talk on the phone, and even in text messages! I don’t care how angry or frustrated I am, I always say, “I love you” last thing.
Both of these are so wise.
I lost a sister when I was five and it left me profoundly aware of the impermanence of those we love. I truly believe we can never tell those we care for that we love them enough.
My family and I do this too! I love it for exactly the same reasons and I assumed everyone did it until I briefly lived with my cousins. They pointed out how weird they found it because in their family, “I love you” was saved for very, very special occasions when someone was feeling particularly expressive or affectionate. They argued that the message would be redundant if it was used so often as a way to part, which I couldn’t disagree with more. I love ending conversations with an “I love you” (especially fights!) and it horrifies me to think of someone passing away without knowing how I feel for them.
My kids caught on very quickly that if I was scolding or fussing about something they’d done, they could say, “Mom, we love you,” and I’d immediately think, is what I’m getting angry about worth it? Admittedly, there were plenty of times I’d still be upset about whatever they’d done, but just hearing those words was like a cool hand on my temper. I’d think, My kids are here, safe & healthy. And then it was easier to calmly discuss why I was upset with them. If I hadn’t witnessed my aunt’s devastation first-hand, I’m not sure saying or hearing “I love you” would have had such a strong effect for me.
I love this. I find when I am arguing with Dr. Feelgood if I stop and say “You’re my favorite.” much of my anger finds a saner place.
“I love you” is a frequent statement in our home. I usually tell my kids and husband I love them randomly throughout the day, and when they leave to do something. I also leave notes, on bathroom mirrors, on my daughter’s counter in the kitchen, or on their desks, that say things like, “You bring us joy,” “I will ALWAYS love you,” or “You are important.” Stuff like that. The kids leave these notes until they start to curl up, and when I notice, I replace them.
We never used those words in my family. At all. Maybe it comes of being Asian.
My mom makes us all say “I love my family.” every single time we are together. It’s one of her maxims. I totally won the mom sweepstakes. My father’s family wasn’t at all demonstrative but my mom’s is and that was what our family modeled.
I love that we aren’t the only family that does this. I think people find it strange that even with my other adult siblings, let alone my mother and father, most of us end every phone call etc. with “I love you.” My brothers in particular catch flack about it when someone overhears it, but even more so now as we all get older and realize how lucky we are to still have our parents and each other, they don’t really care if someone tries to tease them about it.
It’s so automatic with me I don’t even realize it’s a “thing” or odd to other people unless they notice and point it out. We are a close family and I think people who aren’t close to theirs or aren’t used to verbalizing it are the ones who are particularly struck by it.
From an art teacher when I was 11 or 12 – I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s the best piece of advice, but it’s always stuck with me. When I complained I was no good at art and couldn’t draw, she said “Everyone can draw. It’s just that some people do it better than others.” I took that to heart; I’m never going to be an artist, but I did managed to produce some more-than-decent work at school! It’s also something I carried into my teaching career when a student would tell me “I can’t sing”.
When I had my first child, a good friend said “don’t talk to people about how you raise your kids – it’s like talking about your sex life – it’s that personal.” She’s right!
Happy birthday, Dabney! I hope you have a great day celebrating with your family.
As for advice, my mother told me a long time ago, “Have your own job and your own bank account. Never depend on a man for those.” Which was pretty radically feminist advice from a devout Catholic who left school when she was sixteen, and something I’ve always put into practice.
I think that’s great advice but one that is often hard for moms to achieve.
My advice is no matter whether you have a paying job or not, make sure your financial future is not at risk due to your life choices. In my own marriage, I manage all our finances and have always tried to make sure I’m as protected financially as I can be. I made sure my husband had life insurance from the moment we had kids, my name is on everything we own–I actually got pushback from the bank about that in 1987 when I asked to be put on my husband’s then solo mortgage. I have full legal power of attorney for my husband. Being very deliberate in my choice–and having a tremendous level of privilege–made it possible for me to feel more comfortable in choosing to stay at home for many years.
Oh! I forgot one! Use sunscreen everyday and make sure you get your neck and upper chest.
1) You are in charge of your own happiness. Go find your happy.
2) You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors so don’t judge other people’s families, motives, economics, or relationships.
3) Begin how you mean to finish because you reap what you sow. This is especially true with child rearing.
4) you get more flies with honey. Be kind, talk nicely. Keep your temper..
5) This too will pass.
All excellent!
I often think of #3 in terms of: Raise your children into adults you’d enjoy.
Happy Birthday, Dabney!! I hope you have a lovely day!
Here are two pieces of advice that I always keep in mind:
1 – from my mother: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”
2 – from my first boss: “A S S U M E – Makes and ass out of you and me”
Cheers!
Elaine S xxoo
These are staples in my life as well.
Maybe our mothers knew each other!! The first one I think about constantly these days when so many people take offense at the slightest little thing. I want to shout out my mother’s advice every time!!