the ask@AAR: Is it OK for lovers to lie to one another?
My book club just read Pieces of Her by Karin Slaughter and, in our meeting, we had a long and heated disagreement discussion about whether or not and/or when it’s OK to lie to one’s children. The consensus was that it’s fine to lie to minors but that adult children should not be lied to although parents may choose to keep whatever they wish from said progeny.
I asked how they felt about lying to their significant others, a behavior that is commonly found in romance novels. Many said that it was always unethical to deliberately lie to those you love and several felt it’s a bad idea to, through omission, mislead. I’m… not so sure. There’s a reason this trope appears regularly in romance!
In one of my favorite fantasy romance series EVER, The Folk of Air, Cardan misleads Jude over and over again for her safety and–which is in his own self interest–to win her recalcitrant heart. In Julie Anne Long’s justifiably adored Pennyroyal Green series, the heroes and heroines routinely stretch the truth, elide their motives, and work to keep those they love the most in the dark for reasons that, at least for this reader, work. For many many romances, deception is necessary to a couple’s HEA. And that’s fine with me.
What about you? How do you feel about dishonesty in a love affair? Is it like murder–a question of degree? And if so, what are the constructs that need to exist for you to feel comfortable with a couple’s HEA?
I’m sure I can find exceptions where is doesn’t bother me so much, but I generally dislike lies between the main characters. There are 2 situations where I can think that it might ruin the book for me. I really hate when the lie covers up something for their own good, like the MC isn’t strong enough to handle it. And then I hate it when a lie leads to big mix ups that could have been solved by simply telling the truth. Especially if the mix up lasts a long time.
How about when one character is keeping a secret that is really someone else’s secret? A “promise not to tell” situation, where the character is torn between not wanting to lie to one person but not wanting to betray another. I’ve seen this done well, and I’ve also seen it carried to ridiculous extremes, when the circumstances that gave rise to the original promise have changed, making secrecy unnecessary, but the character stubbornly keeps silent.
That falls under the idea of competing honors. I think if you promised not to tell, that’s a serious promise to break. BUT, if you know you need to, and you’ve sought permission and it’s been stupidly denied, I can accept you breaking your oath.
Darcy lies by omission to Jane and Bingley in Pride and Prejudice. Probably the most famous lie of all HR. But Austen does redeem him – Lizzy excoriates him, he comes to a self-realization, he makes amends both to Bingley and Jane. And finally he apologizes to Lizzy. An Austen character tour de force.
I agree with Marian: the author has to be good enough to pull off a lie: the need for it has to make sense within the story and be consistent with the character who has to lie. I prefer situations where a character doesn’t want to lie (or even fail to tell the whole truth) but is driven by circumstances to do so. A character who routinely lies without a strong motive to do so would not work in a romance, imho.
I also wanted to add : another pitfall for me is when the author stretches the lie for so long that it damages my connection with the deceived character. If Darcy lies to Elizabeth at the start, and I know he’s lying, that’s one thing, but if I’m halfway through the book and Darcy’s still lying while Elizabeth is still blissfully ignorant, I’m probably going to feel she’s slow on the uptake.
This may be unfair to her as a character. But if I’m so far ahead of someone, it’s rarely fun waiting for her to catch up (and the author usually drops little hints about Darcy’s untrustworthiness, so why doesn’t Elizabeth see those?). That was one of the things GWTW did well; when Scarlett wore her curtain-dress and spun a story about how everything was great at Tara, Rhett was initially taken in, but he saw through her fairly quickly. So I didn’t have to read chapter after chapter of him being a naive dupe.
co-sign
This behavior bothers me too. I rarely think one person is 100% at fault in interpersonal relationships. If your lover lies to you about money and you never once ask to see the bank records, check your credit, or–justified here–rifle through his/her/their wallet for credit card receipts, some of your financial devastation is on you. It’s far more on him but it’s still on you in some part.
Deliberately willfully ignorant doesn’t look good on anyone.
I am not bothered by lies in fiction as long as:
Just my analysis in my regular English I hope not to offend anyone.
Your “regular English” is excellent as is your take on the question.
This is brilliant, Lil! I think you’ve hit exactly on how lies can work in fiction and… sometimes… in real life.
For me, lies and deception mean an author 1. needs to be good enough to pull this off (e.g. show why the lies are necessary) 2. needs to make certain the lying character is sympathetic anyway.
Fall down on either of those and I tend to be turned off. I’ve been lied to and deliberately misled before. It hurt. So I’m not super keen on reading romances where this happens and where the author fails to make me buy into the premise and the character who does it.
Ditto, plus I find I’m more tolerant of lies in romantic suspense where the protagonist is working with some restrictions, trying to protect the other person, or is under cover, etc.