the ask@AAR: Do you read self-help books?
Peeps–I’ve been a bit blue lately. I’m on crutches for six weeks–months after that with a cane–due to a soft tissue hip repair. Covid continues to threaten so many things. I have a neighbor who is as nasty as he can be and that just bums me out. My lovely sister-in-law suggested I read one of her favorite self-help books and I am considering it. But… I’ve never read a self-help book. When I first had kids, people gave me several parenting books and I just decided that they weren’t for me–I used this book instead–probably because I hate to be told what to do. (It’s a failing.)
But, maybe it’s time. I’m 60 and sometimes I’m not sure I’m doing what I am supposed to be or even if I’m making the most of life. (I told you I was a bit blue.)
So, if I were to read a self-help book, what would you recommend? And do you read self-help books? If so, which have you loved?
Hey Dabney,
I haven’t ever been able to benefit much from self-help books, which is absolutely my loss. I have tons of respect for, am in awe of, and envious of, people who have. Oddly enough, what I turn to in times of stress, in addition to the usual (meditation, wine, yoga, wine, exercise, wine, etc.), I find myself turning to poetry. I know very few people who know and/or enjoy poetry, and I am very far from an expert myself, so my enjoyment of it is pretty insular. But I find that it takes me out of myself, and it’s written so that I have to read and think in a completely different way. It distracts me from whatever is stressing me out at the time. I credit my reading of romance novels for the fact that I am now completely hooked on poetry — so many include quotes from them. After immersing myself in the classics for years (frequently referenced in historical romance novels), I now find myself reading more contemporary authors.
Whatever method or methods you find to cope with what you’re going through, I hope they provide you with some benefit. The AAR site, your comments and reviews, are greatly appreciated.
SusanTX
I love poetry. I post a poem a day on my FB page. I also love escaping to good genre fiction–for me, the way to manage, is to seek joy!
I’m excited to tell you about the most influential book in my life. I don’t read self-help books per se, but I do read books that increase my knowledge base. That being said, I went to a teaching workshop on brain-friendly teaching held by Spencer Kagan, an education guru. He recommended The Happiness Advantage of Shawn Achor. He talked a little bit about it and I thought, who doesn’t want more happy in their life. This book is so interesting and it gives practical, doable steps to making yourself happier. I recommended it to all my family, my kids, my book club. Everybody. I have to say, I am happier for having read that book.
Interesting. I will check it out!
Hi Dabney! Sorry you’ve been feeling a little lost. A little positive… I love this site and I love your commentary on all things romance book related or not. LOL
I used to read self help books religiously when I was younger. I wanted to “do the right thing” when it came to marriage and family – wanted to end the unhealthy cycle, as it were. LOL Then I got into therapy and she suggested I put the self-help books away and start reading romance! Hahaha She said I needed to get out of my head and just read for fun and stop trying to do everything perfectly. My very first library check-outs were The Bride by Julie Garwood and An Offer From A Gentleman from Julia Quinn. And the rest as they say is history! I’ve logged in a little over 1,500 books as of last week. So, that’s my first bit of advice on self-help books. LOL
I don’t think this would be considered self-help but I just finished a non-romance book called Option B by Sheryl Sandburg and Adam Grant. I lost my husband over 2 years ago to cancer. He was in his early 50’s. I didn’t expect to be a widow so young and this book spoke to me about what you do when Option A is no longer available to you. Anyway, she wrote this book with Adam Grant who I believe does write self-help (or maybe more of a healthy/productive workplace/employee) books. I think I’m going to check him out!
Sorry about your mobility problems, Dabney. My DH fractured a replaced hip (no less!) in June – the prosthesis cracked – so we have had a pretty hard summer with him off the road as it were after a complicated surgery. The consolation is that IT WILL GET BETTER! Just never soon enough!! Patience is the guide word for the patient.
As to a self-help book, I am tempted to mention a book my mother read to my sister and me when we were maybe 4 and 6 years old – “365 Bedtime Bible Stories for Children”. It was a book of gloriously illustrated simple and short versions of various stories like Esther, Ruth, The Ten Commandments, Moses and the bullrushes, the escape into Egypt from Herod, that sort of thing. What I have taken away from that was not religious particularly, but subtle guidance on how to live a good life, be nice to people, not rush to judgment, etc. Probably not everyone’s cuppa but the lessons learnt have stayed with me, lingering like a fine mist in the background of my conscious behaviour ever since, reminding me to pull up my metaphorical socks and be not just a good but, hopefully, a better girl if possible.
Otherwise, nah, though I have read reviews of all sorts of 20th/21st century self-help books, never read one and doubt I ever will. Keep your chin up, Dabney!
Hi Dabney, I’m so sorry to hear about your troubles. There is something about a bigger problem that makes all the smaller ones seem even worse when combined at a bad time.
Toxic people are the worst, they physically, as well as emotionally, drain me. I totally sympathize.
Maybe try dipping your toe in with a YouTube video or two if a book seems too much at first or too daunting? Or just pick something that would cheer you up even if it’s not technically “self help”.
Confession: watching those YouTube videos where people will super organize a room or even their makeup collection cheers me for some reason. (Bringing order to chaos?) Whatever lifts your spirit could be your own self help.
The only book I can think of I read that falls into the category generally is “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. It’s not super taxing and it was interesting to see how one woman went about deliberately trying to make herself and her life “happier”.
Cheers to you! Thanks for making AAR part of my “happiness project” every day!
In this area I read books that lean more toward “personal philosophy” than “self help”, but FWIW here are a few things I’ve read in the last year or so that were particularly helpful:
Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport (all his books are great)
Atomic Habits by James Clear
12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson
Ultralearning by Scott Young
These may not be relevant for your current situation, but they all have helped me focus on what I think is important, and I feel best when I’m doing that.
I have also found working through the “personal core values” exercises on Scott Jeffrey’s website to be very helpful. (scottjeffrey.com)
Thank you for all that you do. I enjoy AAR very much.
Hi Dabney.
I’m not a reader of self-help books at all so I have no serious recommendations for you, but a good dose of comedy might help. The Australian comedian Kitty Flanagan’s 488 Rules for Life began as a TV segment spoofing Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life and it turned into a real book that is absolutely hilarious, especially the audio version performed by the author. It’s full of frivolous, nit-picking rules of etiquette that may help you feel less overwhelmed, or at least will give you a good laugh or ten. Just remember that the Australian sense of humour is very dry and nothing Flanagan says is meant to be taken seriously!
The original 5 minute TV segment is on YouTube and it gives a great idea of the flavour of the book.
Oceanjasper….Wow! Thanks for this. I’d not heard of her- she was brilliant.
Dabney, I am sorry you are feeling low. Being less mobile with such a long recovery period would be frustrating for anyone. And don’t get me started on nasty neighbors! Anyway, I don’t have a self-help book to suggest, but I do prescribe a healthy dose of Ted Lasso accompanied by a glass of wine. Roy Kent can cure many things. Hang in there!
I do adore Dr. Feelgood but Roy Kent is my current fantasy dream date!
A dream date with Roy Kent? I wonder what that would look like?? One thing for sure, it wouldn’t be boring!
I hope–since it’s just a fantasy–it would last at least 24 hours….
I think Brene Brown’s work is a wonderful place to start, if you end up doing so. An even better place to start – rather than with Gifts – might be her podcast, Unlocking Us. Start with season 1, episode 1 and go from there. I am a huge Brene fangirl, and have read and loved all of her books, since rediscovering her (I started Gifts a few years ago, and picked it back up at the start of Covid, and then read the rest of her books) Having her voice, humor, and wisdom in my ear as I listened to her podcast was especially powerful for me— her words were sometimes the only bright spot in my day this past year.
I’ve not gone down the podcast route yet. I’m an audiobook listener. But all my kids do and they keep telling me I’m missing out.
Books that I have enjoyed recently include Louise Hay who writes about positive thought and self love. I don’t remember which of her books I got from the library but she takes examples of negative thoughts and puts a positive spin on them. I only usually read a few pages at a time. Gmorning Gnight, Little Pep Talks for Me and You by Lin Manuel Miranda is uplifting. I also find comfort in rereading old favorites. So sorry you are going through this.
I read parenting books years ago and some books on PTSD/mental health (Your Body Keeps the Score is excellent). I found some were very helpful and some were not, or worse. It’s a mixed bag. I got the most out of books that were more about being a child’s advocate than how to “control” them. I enjoyed “Yes, Your Teen is Crazy” by Michael Bradley. I also liked the books by Mel Levine, such as The Myth of Laziness. Ross Campbell wrote several books I found encouraging about kids and anger, and how to be a proactive instead of a reactive parent.
I don’t read as much nonfiction now that I’m not parenting or homeschooling, but right now I’m slowly working through Living Beautifully: with Uncertainty and Change by Pema Chodron. The book is interesting and hopefully will help with acceptance and peace.
P.S. I’m all sympathy about the injury. I stepped wrong and broke my ankle in two places this spring and was in a boot for 9 weeks. I couldn’t do my volunteering at the riding therapy center, which was my one thing just for me. It got me out doors and being with horses is therapy for me. I also couldn’t walk my dog daily, which was my other get-me-out-of-the-house activity, plus no working in the flower beds during flower planting. It’s tough to be restricted and you don’t know how much that complicates things until it happens to you! My sincere wishes for a fast recovery and that you can find ways to help,whether books,or friends, or Great Courses (which I do like), or a new hobby!
Thank you. I am grateful AAR keeps me so busy!
Dabney, Sometimes just sitting with a group of friends to chat and get feedback can work wonders. To that I’d like to volunteer that you’ve given me – and probably so many others- a great deal of pleasure over the past few years with your humor, knowledge, and ability to herd cats. Sorry you’re glum.
I am lucky that I have great friends–really it’s just crutches and wishing people weren’t mean!
And thank you for the compliment. It’s lovely to hear.
Ugh, we have a meanie at work. (Why must there always be one?!!) Trying to decide how to handle it is a problem. When does a generally crummy/passive aggressive and aggressive/aggressive attitude with everyone cross over into actionable behavior?
It’s awful because it affects everyone’s mood and siphons off the joy/enthusiasm at times.
Hang in there!!
Co-signing this! Dabney we love you!!
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Years ago, before I discovered The Great Courses (originally The Teaching Company), I listened to quite a few audios from Nightingale-Conant. A lot of them are self-help or related, though I was listening to them as interesting nonfiction rather than seeking help. I just checked, and Nightingale-Conant is still around.
I read a lot of self-help books in my teens of the kind that have more of a spiritual basis than psychological / medical I was quite depressed. I must say that although I felt that they helped at times in the end it only helped me to go to the psychologist and receive a lot of support from my family. On the other hand, my mother read a book about childcare that actually … was useful, I say it as her daughter, and my grandmother had another (I don’t remember the name) that was about learning to accept the past and take care of your body which was not bad at all.
I think in the end it depends on the type of book you collect / what approach it has, what line of thought its author has and only that agrees with who you are and therefore it can serve you.