the ask@AAR: I am a cranky old lady, not a cranky middle aged lady, right?
I will be 61 next month–woo hoo! I was discussing my life with my daughter and when I referred to myself as an old lady, she said that was absurd. “You’re, like, middle-aged, Mom,” she said. I said, nope, middle age is typically considered the label for those 40 to 60. She just shook her head.
I do think of myself as old, but, honestly, not THAT old. Like, not old like my mom who is a total boss at 85. (It’s my hope that when I’m THAT old, I’ll be as active as is she.) Because, once you’ve passed middle age, you’re in old age. There is no early old age or late middle age.
It’s definitely a good time to be in one’s 60s. Granted, I can’t dance like Madonna (age 63), sing like Sade (age 62), act like Emma Thompson (age 63), and I sure don’t look like Michelle Pfeiffer (age 63), but the fact that they and many more women are still killing it in the public eye, makes me happy. (I am a bit intimidated by women like Kathy Jacobs, however, who modeled for Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue last year at age 57. I suspect I’d have to give up cream in my coffee and wine and do nothing but work out and, really, who wants to live like that?)
How about you? What do you call people in the 60s?
I’m going to continue to call myself a cranky old lady. If the shoe fits, right? Here’s to the little old ladies!
I’m with your daughter, though I might be influenced by the fact that my sister just turned 60, so I’m not far behind. ;-) I think there is late middle age and early old age, though. Something I’ve heard: “40 is the old age of youth and 50 is the youth of old age.”
Over the weekend I read a lovely obituary of Helen, Lady Oppenheimer who was a theologian, lecturer in ethics, philosopher and author. She died very recently, age 95 having enjoyed a 73 year marriage until her husband died in 2020. There were some very acute musings on ageing in the obit that I thought AAR readers might enjoy as we have been discussing this very topic:
On Helen: “….she has a beauty that defies Botox. ….. she radiates such wisdom, good humour and zest for life that she makes old age seem eminently worth waiting for.”
In 2005 at a lecture at the Leveson Centre for the Study of Ageing she said: “I have enjoyed getting older, so far, especially as I have never been athletic. Nowadays instead of saying ‘Come on, Helen’, people kindly give me a tolerant or even a respectful hand down the steps. I no longer have to persuade myself that plunging into cold water is a treat. There are things, like wearing fashionable but uncomfortable clothes, which I am old enough not to have to do. (Aside from Elaine S: thank the good Lord for expando-waist trousers and the lack of need for 3″ heels!!!)
“Better still, it is not up to me to say ‘No’ to enterprising and argumentative children when I really I am on their side …. It is far from accurate to stereotype elderly people as being in need of protection from all that is new. It’s young people who are surprisingly conformist in following the current fashions even when they think they are being rebellious.”
She sounds fabulous!
My husband was a health policy analyst who worked on aging, disability, and long-term care issues. For his work old was defined as 65 and old old as 85. So under that definition you wouldn’t be officially old and wouldn’t be included in any of his studies – but that doesn’t say what you should be called.
I am now 72. I have friends both 20 years older and younger than me. My dear GF of 87 looks and acts like she’s 20 years younger and we speak every day about every topic under the sun; ditto the one who is 20 years younger – (not) surprising how much the three of us have in common in terms of outlook on life. I had a really good career, retired early because Mr Elaine S is 8 years older and I didn’t want to waste time with him at home and me working and travelling. By choice we did not have children and though I am not up to date with all of the latest apps, social media, blah, blah, that I would absorb through kids, I haven’t had to spend time raising them, have had more money for us and have been able to please ourselves. Selfish?? Maybe to some but it has also meant I have had more time to do voluntary work over the last 40 years in various ways. I spent lock down looking after my next door neighbours of 95 and 98 so, by comparison, I don’t see myself as old. I keep myself informed, well-read, exercised, keep my hair appointments with my fabulously good colourist (yup, first greys at 18) and count my blessings for a fab circle of friends. I have always suspected that those who come to AAR and make contributions were not youngsters but based on the wise, clever and well-constructed comments I read here, I just knew that a lot of experience of life was being shared. How great is that!
I have five children and love being a mom, but my motto has always been that we need to be free to chose what we want. I have never told my children that I’m “waiting for grandchildren.” So far it doesn’t look like any of my five are interested in raising a family and I say more power to them. I’m sure I’d love being a grandmother, but that’s not a very good reason for my kids to have kids. People called me selfish for having 5 kids, and maybe it was, but I’m happy with my choices and I’m glad you’re happy with yours.
As a total aside, I really hate “martyr mothers,” in real life and in books. I gave up a lot to have kids, but that was my choice. I hope my kids treat me with respect, but they don’t “owe” me anything. The martyr mother trope in fiction drives me absolutely bonkers, and I have DNF’d more than a few books because of controlling parent figures.
I was curious, so I did a search, and there is no solid definition of middle age. Encyclopedia Brittanica says it’s between 40 and 60. Yet a recent Harris poll suggests that different generations define it differently.
But the period of time between youth and old age is in flux. A new Harris Poll conducted exclusively for Fast Company finds that younger millennials consider median middle age to be between 35 and 50 years old. That’s a contrast to Generation X‘s perception of middle age, 45 to 55 years old, and baby boomers, who consider middle age to be 45 to 60 years old.
So I guess, by any of these definitions, you are an old lady, Dabney. And at 62, so am I!
You are definitely a cranky middle aged lady. I am a cranky old lady, and I have th arthritis to prove it. My daughter is almost your age, and if you were a cranky old lady, what would that make me?
A wise and powerful woman!
I don’t know what to call any of these ages. I didn’t know if you could call even 50 “middle aged” now because you would have to live to be one hundred for fifty to be your “middle age” right? I wish there was a better name for all of these ages, just as I wish there were better names than “Millennial”, “Boomer”, “Gen X” etc.
I’m 8 years away from 60 and I definitely don’t want to think of it as old age! I think you have to be over 70 to be considered old, and I suspect when I hit 70, I’ll think it should be 80 and so on.
I started turning gray when I was 21 (my youngest sister counted the gray hairs for me). I have never dyed my hair so people have always assumed I was older than my actual age. Now that I’m 62 and my age matches my hair color, I call myself an old lady and I have the aching joints to go with the age. But I plan to live into my 90s, so I’m still skirting middle age. You know what they say, keep moving…
As someone about to turn 62, I definitely think I’ve tipped out of middle age and into whatever comes next. My husband of almost 40 years and I joke about being viewed by others as that proverbial “little, old couple” when we hold hands out in public. But I don’t think of us as “old”. We’re definitely aging but I don’t think we’ll feel “old” until we have to give up things we really enjoy because we don’t feel well enough to do it.
I’m 69 and have always thought of myself as old, or a crone, with all the honor that comes with the title.OTOH, my hubby, who is 2-1/2 years older than me, is eternally middle aged and always says that I’m older, he was just born first!
I stopped calling myself middle aged at 60, too. I’m a “senior.” I revel in the senior discounts, too. I had my kids later than usual (youngest at almost 42) and the people I associated while homeschooling and teaching were generally younger than me, although not always. A segment of homeschoolers tended to have larger than average families, so there were some older moms like me. Then I worked retail where I was interacting with coworkers who were generally in their 20’s and 30’s, although,again, there area surprising number of people from 40-60+ working retail. (There are also a surprising number of people with college degrees, but I digress.) I think it kept me feeling younger because I was exposed to the music and habits of my younger coworkers, and coupled with the fact my kids were the same age as many of them, I could still relate.
It’s funny. I think I’ve always looked pretty much my age, but we tend to see people in the setting where we know them. One day at work it came out that I was in my 60’s and my coworkers were stunned. They thought I was 10 years younger. But I honestly think it had more to do with the fact that I unloaded pallets of heavy boxes and worked long hours than what I looked like, if that makes sense. I mean, my hair is mostly grey and I don’t wear makeup.
I’m officially an old gal and I own it When I was 30, I couldn’t fathom myself at 61 and yet here I am. I finally have my strength back after dealing with breast cancer and life looks good now. My 87 year old mother always said age is just a number and I finally get it. It’s about having your health
I’ll be 65 in October. Unless I live until I’m 130, I’m definitely beyond middle-age now! Because I had my children much later in life (I was 35 when my oldest was born and 40 when the youngest two, twins, came along), I often think of myself as being “younger” than I actually am, plus I work in a public high school and feel connected to younger people in a way that I won’t once I retire (planning for that next year), but there’s no doubt about it, I’m an old lady.
I had my kids at almost 36 and almost 39 – (both August babies and my birthday is September), so most of the mums of their classmates were usually quite a few years younger than us (Mr. Caz was 65 last month). I was, until recently, a secondary school teacher, too – although I’m not sure if that made me feel connected or just exhausted! (Mostly the latter, I think!)
When the twins were young, I was fortunate enough to be able to be a stay-at-home mom for a few years. I’d take them to things like “Mommy and Me” classes and I’d always get asked, “Do you have custody of your grandchildren?” I’d reply, “No, I’m their mom—and I have the stretch marks to prove it!” Lol
Once, someone asked me–OK, she was old and it was a distance–if my husband (7.5 years older than I am) was my son. I think I was 30 at the time which would have made him 37 or 38. I am still affronted.
I can SO relate! My youngest was born when I was almost 42, and I’ve never colored my hair,so I already had some grey at that time. Sweet young things behind cash register just being nice would ask me if she was my granddaughter. One time it happened an another lady in line behind me said, “Oh.MY.God! Tell me you did not just ask her if this is her grandbaby!!?” The poor young lady looked so confused. Then a light bulb went off in her head and she looked horrified and apologized. I was still laughing because the lady behind me was so affronted!
I had my first at 30 and I have to admit having a baby when you have a 12 year old who loves helping was incredible. My youngest was my easiest babyhood because she had a second mom. Since I homeschooled, the 12 year old was home most of the time and I have pictures of her holding the baby while she was doing schoolwork. At 25 and 37, they still have a sweet relationship.
I had a baby at 30, another at 31, and twins a week after I turned 35. Four kids in five years was a lot but they are all close now. It’s one of the joys of my life to see!
I had my 2 kids at 33 and 37. My husband is 15 years older than me but has always looked younger so he hasn’t been mistaken as our teenagers’ grandfather instead of father (at least so far!).
I’m not that far behind you (58) but I know what you mean. When I refer to myself as old, my girls protest too, but eh, I’m their mum, so I suppose they’re bound to! Some days, when my back or knees are creaky, I feel like 98, though…
I do think that the definition of “middle-age” has kind of expanded upwards, mostly because we’re living longer and thanks to better education, medical care and other things are healthier later in life, too. And as I think about the fact that I’ll be 60 next year, I can’t help feeling surprised and wondering how on earth I can possibly be “that old”!