the ask @AAR: Do age differences in romance bother you?
Several years ago, my daughter explained to me the age rule. For those of you unfamiliar with this, here’s a summary of what Wikipedia says:
The Half-age-plus-seven rule (“never date anyone under half your age plus 7”) dictates what age disparity between two people is acceptable in romantic relationships. According to this rule, the age of the younger person should not be less than half the age of the older person plus seven years, so that (for example) no one older than 65 should be in a relationship with anyone younger than 39 and a half, no one older than 22 should be in a relationship with anyone younger than 18, and no one under 14 years of age should be in a relationship at all…
This, over all, works for me. (I feel as though the rule would be improved with an added variable of plus one for every year over 40.) However, as a woman of a certain age*, I am always happier when men in my age group–who are never referred to as men of a certain age–partner with similarly age women. But that’s me and real life.
In romance, the older man/younger woman trope is common and, in recent years, there are stories with the roles reversed. Do those stories work for you? What influences whether or not they do? And what are the novels with this trope that you love and what are those you hate?
Let the conversation begin!
*58
Doesn’t concern the discussion but I read lots of 15 year agegap romance novel.
But when coming to reality I find it super gross I prefer 5
year age gap at most.
Sometimes, I mind the age difference, and sometimes it comes out as really icky. So much of it depends on how they act. Is the man like old skool romance heroes who talk down to the young heroine? Does she put up with it? Does she just about have tantrums?
When I go back and read some older romances (and love stories), I’m often startled at the age differences. I adored Charlotte Vale Allen’s Night Music back in the day — I was hungry for any stories inspired by The Phantom of the Opera. Especially those where the hero was not psychotic. :) This was a modern-day love story about a disfigured but wealthy and respected architect and the daughter of a friend/client. But when I looked at it again, I realized that in this book, when the MCs met, she was 16, and he was more than 30. And they married when she was 18. Okaaay.
Then I found a futuristic romance I’d written in college, and I realized my heroine was in law school — and the hero was in his early 40s. :o (He was horrible for other reasons…) That one got some heavy revisions once I got back into it. ;)
Interesting, I met when I was 17. He would have nothing to do with me at 26, but flirted. I actually pursued him at 18 and we married soon after. 45 years ago. I will say I was too young, but he was a patient and understanding man. Guess I should have been 20 or 21 to make the rule.
I do not care for a significant, let’s say 15 year, age gap in contemporary romances. I have trouble getting it out of my head;. It’s as if the age gap is an extra, unwanted character always hanging around the edges of the story. I have had several friends who have navigated the age gap, however it always played a part in their relationship. Health issues came up, body issues, one person retiring why the other still has to work. One friend wanted children while her older partner had already raised family. She thought she didn’t want to have children until after they had been married for a while and she wanted that. He had already had a vasectomy. Having discussed these and other age difference related issues, I can’t find it romantic.
For those of you who love the older woman/younger man story, stalwart Amy Andrews’ book Troy features that pairing and it’s free today.
Here’s the link: Troy
Thank you for the tip about TROY. I just downloaded it. And I was pleased to see other books in the same series written by some of my favorites: Sarah Mayberry, Megan Crane, and Kelly Hunter. I suspect my tbr mountain will never be reduced to a hill!
Just wanted to comment on the two Heyer comments I read further up this thread
Truly YMMV re: The Convenient Marriage. I can’t think of anything further from a parent/child dynamic than the relationship between Horry and Rule. It’s so interesting to me that anyone could have that take on it
And These Old Shades is one of Heyer’s most belov’d novels; there’s a massive age gap which is actually a big part of the storyline, but at the end of the novel it is clearly a relationship of equals (or as equal as anyone could be with Devil)- again a huge YMMV moment for me
I rather love ‘age difference’ novels; I grew up reading Betty Neels M&Bs and Heyer, the Peter Wimsey books etc, and it’s just absolutely embedded in my romance-reading psyche now
As I get older (I’m 41 now), I do recognise the unreality of it; the generation gap is now so obvious to me that I can’t see how it can be crossed IRL. The health thing is also an issue; the ageing process is unstoppable and real! But in books, in historicals, in paranormals- I absolutely love age-differences
(I do find it harder to suspend disbelief when there’s a financial difference, and the man has less than the woman! I know it’s deeply sexist of me, but tis just not what I like to read about)
I read a lot of stuff at AAR where posters go on and on about power gaps. It’s overdone, if you ask me. Power comes in lots of shades and types. The man who’s got more money may be in a relationship with a woman who controls access to sex. If you really think that adults can consent to whatever in blazes they want to, why does it matter if one person has more of something than the other person?
Oh no, a woman has the right to say no to sex with a man! That’s so equal to the idea of a man holding his economic power over a woman’s head!
There’s lots of posters here saying let adults make their own choices about what makes them happy. That has to include the those who pick relationships where one person has financial power and the other has sex power. I don’t get how outside people get to tell people in relationships that the relationship they’re in isn’t OK.
There’s a thick difference between “we have an agreement that I’ll support the family” and “I let my girlfriend say when and where we’re going to have sex, even if I don’t want to have it, and can never initiate it, an unhealthy consent dynamic for an act that requires mutual consent no matter how anyone slices it.”
To be frank, if I know someone’s in a sexually abusive power dynamic that’s not agreed upon and with safewords, I talk to them about it.
The point I am making is that people on this site often define what is and isn’t a good relationship for other people. That goes against the “adults can pick what makes them happy” idea. I am comfortable with the people in the relationship defining what makes them happy.
So do you get upset when the law defines what partner abuse is? Is it okay to stay with someone who punches you in the face every once in awhile if they support you?
I’m saying ‘if it’s agreed upon it’s fine, but to ignore an abusive relationship if the person says it makes them happy because they’re an adult’ is. Sometimes letting people define what makes them happy in a relationship ends in partner abuse and murder. We have legal codes for a reason.
*is a faulty way to go about doing things.
It’s easy to make a point with extreme examples.
In more moderate instances, I think people know best for themselves.
On that, we can agree.
In real life I don’t mind as long as those involved are happy.
In romances, I confess I prefer the age gap not to be big. Even so, I did like some may/december romances in historicals, with the older hero.
I can’t explain it but it just doesn’t feel as appealing when two people have too many years in between, their views on so many things are certainly not the same. If a blurb indicates there’s an age gap I do think about reading it before I actually do it and it feels totally unfair, I know that, but if the woman is significantly older I tend to not want to read it.
In the end, though, it depends on how well the author portrays the relationship.
These Old Shades by Heyer has a 20+ gap, with the older hero calling the younger heroine “infant”. It’s been years since I was in Heyer list discussions, but I think reader reactions are very mixed.
Four in Hand by Margaret Westhaven has a 30s heroine very resistant to a relationship with a 29 hero.
I enjoy both, and several other stories already mentioned.
I don’t come across that many romances with a sizable age gap, but I don’t mind them either. It works for me so long as there aren’t any creepy vibes (no “little girl” references, as someone noted) and can add another layer to the conflict.
Two that worked for me are Liberating Lacey by Anne Calhoun and Listen to the Moon by Rose Lerner. Lacey isn’t that much older than Hunter (eight years) but it does come up, and she also comes from a posher background and makes more money, so there is something of a divide.
In Listen to the Moon, John is around 40 and Sukey about half his age. Though both are servants, there is a class difference because he was a gentleman’s gentleman who grew up in service to a family of the nobility, while she was at the lower end of the profession. But she does not let him walk all over her because of it :)
In real life, Emmanuel and Brigitte Macron seem happy together, and she’s almost 25 years older. The official story is that they became a couple when he was 18, though they met earlier, and they’ve been married since 2007. I read somewhere that he said that they were not a “normal couple – even if I don’t like that word – but we’re a couple that exists”.
For me, it’s not an issue when it’s two adults in a relationship. I get bothered if there’s a huge power or experience gap, or if a teenager is paired with an adult.
Eve Dangerfield’s ACT YOUR AGE is a perfect example of how a writer can make the age gap scenario work. The hero is 20 years older than the heroine AND one of their kinks involves DD/lg and step-father/step-daughter role play. It sounds icky, but Dangerfield writes the story with humor, heart, and heat. I recommend it as a very well-written age gap romance (with the caveat that the role-play is very intense).
For me it’s an added bonus. Don’t know why, but age difference in romance novels is like catnip to me.
The first ones to come to mind are Carla Kelly’s Marian’s Christmas Wish and Miss Whittier Makes a List, Joy Reed’s The Duke and Miss Denny, and Jessi Gage’s Cole in My Stocking/Keep You.
Those are all younger woman/older man, but I like the opposite, too.
I can’t remember how big the age difference is (not sure they qualify as May/December), but for older heroines I’m fond of Jennifer Crusie’s Anyone But You, Erin McCarthy’s Flat-Out Sexy, and Pamela Morsi’s Simple Jess.
The heroine in the Kelly book is 16 and is one of the few times a very young heroine has worked for me because she’s so mature and well-written.
It depends on the way the two engage with each other. When there is a significant age gap, it can turn into a parent-child relationship, as in Georgette Heyer’s The Convenient Marriage, and that does make me uncomfortable.
As long as the heroine is over 21 I’m okay with any age difference.
Why 21?
Yes, adults get to decide for themselves what makes them happy.
I will be a dissenting voice here and say that I am easily squicked by age gaps. An above commenter said that younger people might be more sensitive to age differences, so I’ll admit that I’m 27, and I may very well become more comfortable with this as I get older.
I am in general someone who feels my age gap with people very keenly, maybe because of my upbringing, I feel like I am socially inferior to older people. I think some of what bothers me with large age differences is that inequality, I have a subconscious worry that the older partner is dominant over the younger one and using them for their youth, I am worried about their being exploited or missing out on experiences because their older partner has already moved on from that.
It’s hard to rationalise this, It’s not so much a conscious decision as an uncomfortable gut feeling. The exception would be older men in historicals, as long as they are handled well and the man isn’t paternalistic or overbearing. It was such a social norm, it’s easier for my subconscious to accept it, I think.
An example of a novel with this trope that I read was Anyone But You by Jennifer Crusie. I hated it. I found that relationships with older women were fetishized in a way that made me very uncomfortable.
But as ever for me, if a skilful author can make me see what the characters are thinking and feeling, can make their love feel genuine and show me that they respect and appreciate the other as an equal, without fetishizing anyone, then that could work for me. If it’s an author I trust or I’ve read a very good review, I’d absolutely try a romance with an age gap. Good writing goes a long way to make me accept things I’d otherwise be hesitant about.
Well, many a younger person has traded their youth for the money, security, and experience an older partner may bring. I guess I think exploitation can go both ways which is why I see big age differences as more of a “what’s a long life together going to look like” issue rather than an issue of power dynamics.
You are right! I guess I didn’t see that side of the equation because I’m so far from there yet. Even if the inequality could go both ways, the fact that there is such a potential for it does still bother me.
Thinking more on this, I really can’t when one partner is old enough to be the biological parent of the other (unless both are beyond childbearing age). I’m uncomfortable with “Daddy” roleplaying and anything that merges parental roles with romance.
That’s sort of my visceral response as well.
I think we also need to take setting into account. The rules are just different in medievals, for instance. I would be extremely uncomfortable with an 18-year-old/30 year old relationship in a contemporary, but that’s basically the relationship in Judith McNaught’s medieval A Kingdom of Dreams (I actually think that heroine might be 17).
I think it’s not just because it’s historically accurate to have age gaps in medievals. I also think it’s because societies create age classes that in turn shape experience and responsibility. Whereas a modern 18 year old hasn’t started adult life (at least in Western societies), there was no medieval concept of “high school” – the heroine would have been living as an adult for at least two and possibly up to five years by the time she was eighteen. The modern equivalent of that might be a twenty-four year old, two years out of college.
This happens also in Nalini Singh’s Kiss of Snow. Sienna Lauren is almost twenty years younger than Hawke, but Sienna’s personal history ended Sienna’s childhood phase around six or seven. (Of course you can also factor in life expectancy in paranormals – if they live longer, then each individual year is less important).
Settings are key here–it’s one of the reason Jackie Ashenden’s current contemps often don’t work for me.
It matters not in the slightest to me what ages the H/h are or which is the older/younger. I have known some couples with age differences of up to 20 years who have had wonderfully happy marriages and one with a 30+ gap that was very loving. The sad part, of course, is the likelihood of one being left widowed. You just have to plan sensibly for it. My own husband is 8 years older than me and it’s just enough to be in slightly different generations, culturally speaking. For example, he enjoys different popular music to me but, hey, who cares? As long as any couple, of any inclination are happy, that’s fine and when an author creates a couple who truly love each other and are in a realistic, happy relationship, I am happy with that.
My spouse is also almost eight years older and we just missed the seven year rule mark: we met when I was 24 and he was 31. The likelihood that he will die before me is great but we’ve had decades together and I am reasonably prepared for that outcome.
I personally struggle, however, with couples where the age gap is significant. I’ve seen several marriages where a younger man married an older woman and then left her when he hit his mid-30s and realized he wanted kids which she couldn’t/wouldn’t have. That’s been really hard to watch. I know several 60+ year old dads of very young kids and it makes me sad in some ways for those kids.
I think about these and other issues–the 45 year old stud with the 24 year old babe looks very different when he’s 75 and she’s 54 vis a vis health issues–when I see a big age gap. There are some authors who can make it work but it’s not my cup of tea.
At the same time – my aunt and her best friend married two guys who were work colleagues. My uncle, who married my aunt, was one year younger than her, and the guy who married her friend was twenty-two years older. My uncle died of cancer at 66 but the older man, still married to my aunt’s friend, just celebrated his 90th birthday. You never know what life has in store.
That’s true. But there’s a reason actuarial tables exist!
I don’t have a problem with it, either, for much the same reasons as others are saying. I’ve read and/or listened to some large age-gap stories very recently – all of them m/m, admittedly – where the authors do such a great job of showing how well the couple ‘get’ each other that the gap isn’t an issue. In N.R Walker’s Thomas Elkin books, there’s 22 years between the two MCs – they meet when one is 44, the other is 22 – and yet they just ‘click’. It’s clear that the difference isn’t much of an issue for them, and they tease each other about it so affectionately, that it’s easy to believe it doesn’t matter to them and that it therefore shouldn’t matter to anyone else. I suppose it’s down to how skilled the author is at showing the connection between the couple and showing that no matter their chronological age, they’re well-matched in all the other things that matter.
I do think, though, that younger readers may often have a different opinion. I’ve seen reviews – obviously written by someone in their late teens or twenties – where an age gap of even five years is an issue. I suspect this is just a matter of… I don’t know, age relativity? When we’re 12 someone of 25 seems ancient, at 19 someone of 30 is decrepit.
At the end of the day, I always remember: Knightley was 16 years older than Emma, and if it’s good enough for Jane Austen, it should be good enough for anyone!
As with almost everything, it depends. It’s less of an issue the older the younger partner is. For example, I’ve less of a problem with a 20-year difference if the ages are 40/60 than if they are 20/40 (see the 1/2 + 7 rule). Part of that is the difference in experience and self-knowledge and therefore agency in one’s own Life when one partner is quite young and the other middle-aged, as opposed to both having had a reasonable amount of Life under their belts. Another issue can be the fetishized aspects of youth, especially of younger women, although that is more common in older historicals when the 19 year old heroine’s “purity” and innocence were compared to the jaded 32 year old hero. Too often in Real Life an older man with a young woman is cheered on, while an older woman is a joke or a cougar, and I like it when Romances upend that trope.
As long as the hero isn’t calling the heroine “little girl” or “child” (which I’ve read in romances), and everyone involved is an adult, I don’t mind age gaps. I found Peter O’Toole sexy with grey hair, and Patrick Stewart just as fine with none.
Two age-gap romances I enjoyed were LaVyrle Spencer’s YEARS (older man, younger woman) and FAMILY BLESSINGS (older woman, younger man).
I know too many happy couples with “unconventional” age differences — older women/younger man, much older man/younger woman — to feel it’s appropriate for me to judge. Age is but one of many factors people may consider when falling in love and so to have a mathematical formula is hold up as socially acceptable is odd to me. Age is rarely a consideration for me when reading romance. I do want both people in a relationship to be of consenting age if there is an age difference, but otherwise, this is another characteristic where a good author can make it work very well.
We had a long debate on this topic years ago here at AAR around Julie Anne Long’s What I Did for a Duke, still one of my favorite romances. I have always felt that Long did a spectacular job bringing Genevieve and Alex Montcrief together and showing us how well-suited they are for each other, despite the approx. 17 years separating them.
What I Did For a Duke is the rare May/December romance that works for me.
I’m older than my husband—not a significant age gap, but we were born in different decades—and we’ve been happily married for over 30 years and have three adult children—so possibly my attitude toward age gap in romance is more tolerant than some. You don’t read as much Jackie Ashenden as I do unless you’re comfortable with age gaps sometimes of close to 20 years (usually the hero is the older partner, but occasionally the heroine is older). I have no problem with age gaps as long as there isn’t a fetishization of the younger partner—which is something I notice happens sometimes in m/f romances where the hero is the younger partner: the hero becomes the “perfect” partner, not only because he’s young and vigorous (ahem), but also because he’s of a younger generation and doesn’t have the stuffy sexist attitudes of the men of the heroine’s generation. That I can do without. Again, it’s all in how the writer handles the age difference. For example, I loved Penelope Douglas’s BIRTHDAY GIRL, about a man falling for his son’s ex-girlfriend (and vice-versa), with close to a 20-year age gap; but I gave up on Leigh Lennon’s somewhat similar (in plot) LIKE FATHER LIKE SON, which lacked the subtlety and emotional nuance of Douglas’s book.
As long as everyone is 18 or older, I usually don’t get too bent out of shape about age differences. I think men can be preoccupied with careers or ‘first families’, and at age 50 meet someone of 25 who makes him happy. Especially in mm romance, when a man finally comes to terms with being gay, I find such a gap acceptable. It’s more about what the relationship is based on rather than the ages of the partners. Do they have things in common? Are they friends? Do they laugh together? And is he being parental with her…that would be a giant red flag! They need to be emotional and psychological equals in order for it to work for me as a reader. Certainly no sub/dom stuff with him as the dom.
And I feel the same if the woman is the older partner, even if she’s much older. The only concern I would have is if the guy wants kids and she’s done with that or too old. That could be a huge problem. But not everyone wants kids, and maybe she already has some he can co-parent.