Not Quite Woke
Society is becoming woke to the decades, centuries – millennia – that women have endured as silent victims of a predatory culture. This is a good thing.
But such birth does not come without pain and blood. As the pendulum swings in a corrective direction, the risk that it will swing too far is real. Indeed, some have questioned if it is not already too late.
What is the danger of extremism in our reactions?
Innocent men who find their reputations destroyed, their careers damaged or erased, their lives upended beyond repair based on the word of another given absolute, priority value. Accusations equal to physical evidence or objective corroboration. Guilt presumed over innocence. An abandonment of any sense of due process. The failure to allow the accused to face his accuser.
A witch-hunt mentality that heightens skepticism regarding any and all claims of abuse. The potential of coming full circle as suspicion of motives and fear of accusation-used-as-weapon causes people to cast victims as villains. Uncertainty and paranoia. Is someone coming for your husband? Your son? Your father? Your brother?
The flattening of the curve of heinousness of crime, rape of a teen equal to an uncomfortably long hug or a misplaced hand, diminishing the real suffering and pain of true victims. Zero tolerance leading straight to automatic death penalties for all, regardless of severity of crime.
A lack of standard definitions or shared parameters, where one woman’s flirtation is another woman’s assault, prosecution or leniency reliant solely on the subjective interpretation of a single person. Arbitrary thresholds that delineate “accident” or “mistake” from “serial” or “predatory”. Miscommunication creating criminals guilty of misunderstanding rather than evil intent.
The victimization of women as a whole. A message that we are not autonomous individuals with the power to drive our own lives but instead weaker beings reliant on society’s outrage and condemnation to punish those who have wronged us. An abdication of our responsibility to speak up and say “NO”. It is never our fault, but it is within our power to cry foul.
We, as a society, need to believe women. But we also need to truly understand what “believing” means. It’s not what people seem to be thinking.
Believing women isn’t taking accusations as absolute truths and punishing the accused without due process.
Believing women is treating accusations as serious potential violations and crimes and respecting victims throughout the process.
Believing is not calling accusers liars. Ever.
Believing women is committing to investigations to uncover the truth, taking those truths seriously, and enacting or enforcing policies to ensure real change occurs.
Believing women is condemnation of victim-blaming or slut-shaming.
Believing women is eradicating the social norms that undermine a woman’s ability to speak up when she’s been mistreated. Putting a stop to the “nice girls don’t make trouble” mentality. Encouraging women to risk appearing rude rather than silently suffer.
Believing women is empowering all people to come forward when they feel they have been treated improperly, without fear of recriminations or an undue burden being placed upon them to prove their claims, or the prospect of undergoing a soul-sucking destruction of their character.
Believing women is holding all men accountable to the same standards of conduct, regardless of rank or wealth or power.
Believing women is teaching our sons to be more aware of their actions, to respect women as human beings and not as sexual objects, to be strong and stand up when they perceive abuse.
Believing women is giving our daughters the strength and support that enables them to demand respect and to speak out immediately when they have been wronged.
Believing women is repudiating media, advertising, gaming, entertainment and other cultural avenues that perpetuate the message that women are sex objects, trophies awarded to men, valuable for their bodies.
Believing women is companies, governments and communities enacting policies that encourage positive work and living environments, having a user-friendly system in place to report and subsequently investigate potential violations and to deal with perpetrators accordingly.
Believing women is creating a society where the election of any official who has been credibly accused of wrongdoing is unthinkable by all.
Believing is listening.
Believing is commitment to finding the truth and then punishing the appropriate crime.
Believing is determination to change the system for the betterment of all.
Right now, it may feel we’ve made huge strides towards ending the pervasive problem of sexual predation, but the truth is, we’ve simply placed a bandage over the gaping wound. Telling women “We believe you and will now punish all accused sexual predators” is not solving the problem. We must erase the conditions that allow this cancer to grow in the first place. We must have all of it to be truly woke.
And it is incumbent upon us women to find our courage and speak out when we are wronged. Society has indicated it is finally ready to listen, and we must walk through that open door. It’s not easy. It’s very hard, and it’s certainly not fair. But when has anything ever been easy or fair? We are up to the task. We give birth all the time.
~ Jenna Harper
Dabney, I am having the same issue: my posts are not showing up after seeing the message “waiting for moderation”
Having a conversation is really difficult when my posts either do not show up, or take hours to show up. And as you know from our email exchange, I am not a new commenter to AAR or a bot/troll.
I can’t explain why this is happening. I have whitelisted your email several times. It might be that our spam protector–which we have to have because we get tons of spam comments given our subject matter–doesn’t like your provider. I try to check several times a day to see if there are any comments that need to be approved.
I check for comments as well, so any that come in when Dabney isn’t around I can usually pick up. And as she says, there doesn’t seem to be a reason why some regular commenters get through and some don’t; you’re not the only one this happens to, as I’ve recognised several names in the comments queue of people who have commented before.
Just read this in the NYT, and it perfectly sums up my feelings at the moment.
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/11/opinion/franken-resignation-harassment-democrats.html?ribbon-ad-idx=4&rref=opinion&module=Ribbon&version=context®ion=Header&action=click&contentCollection=Opinion&pgtype=article
Yep. And pair it with this WaPo article about our fearless leader’s smarmy tweet today.
http://wapo.st/2BE5X0L?tid=ss_tw&utm_term=.f9a6f9884d56
I saw someone explain “believe women” as an ethical stance, and I thought that was a good way to describe it. It’s about believing that women are credible, that their own accounts of what happened to them are valid. It’s not about ignoring due process. And I think it’s also about recognizing that ‘due process’ itself is not perfect; for example, the statistics showing the disparity between incidents of rape -> reporting rape -> person being convicted. Many women feel like due process is never going to happen for them, and their word may be all they have. As someone who has been on the receiving end of someone not believing something I’ve reported w/ regards to this topic, it’s demoralizing. And as for the big allegations in Hollywood, I’d love more focus on the women, less focus on the men. Instead of saying a man’s career is destroyed… how many women were overlooked, didn’t get that job, didn’t get that promotion?
I also don’t want to ignore how much worse this is for cis women of color and for the LGBTQ+ community (which, of course, includes people of color). Trans women, for example, are at a much higher risk of sexual assault.
Perfectly stated, Amanda, and could not agree more with everything you’ve said!
This is the conversation we need to be having. (at the NYT: The Conversation: Seven Women Discuss Work, Fairness, Sex and Ambition) Nuanced, filled with differing experiences and opinions. I love the section at the end where they discuss where do we go from here. Emily Bazelon’s suggestion is one I think would work well.
I’m reposting this from the wonderful Courtney Milan’s Twitter feed. So worth reading on the backlash to “Me Too”:
https://theestablishment.co/due-process-is-needed-for-sexual-harassment-accusations-but-for-whom-968e7c81e6d6
For those interested, here are two other valuable contributions to set alongside Emily Yoffe’s:
Bari Weiss in the New York Times:
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/28/opinion/metoo-sexual-harassment-believe-women.html
and Allison Benedikt in Slate:
http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2017/12/where_is_the_line_between_office_flirtation_and_sexual_harassment.html
All three writers are in different ways pleading for nuance. They are acutely aware that serial harassers exist and must be stopped, but at the same time they recognize the variety, complexity and subtlety of human sexual behavior.
On the other hand, there are more conservative voices that are indifferent or even hostile to the Me Too movement and everything it represents. Some of those voices would be only too happy to seize upon any opportunity to justify a backlash against the empowerment of women that Me Too promotes. Indeed. Project Veritas tried to engineer such a outcome, but was foiled by the Washington Post’s professionalism.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I also “endured” years of salacious sexual innuendoes in the workforce. While I understand articles like this are meant to help, I find them problematic.
“And it is incumbent upon us women to find our courage and speak out when we are wronged.” My story/trauma is mine, and mine alone. How I dealt with the abuse/sexual assaults is not necessarily how others will deal with their trauma, regardless of degrees of assault. Courage may mean staying silent. Courage may mean speaking up. Courage is a journey in which only the victim can define. For others to tell a victim what to do, when they should report abuse, or how to feel, otherwise reduces that individual and her (his) to less than. Judgment and shame is placed, regardless of the well-meaning intent.
“Uncertainty and paranoia. Is someone coming for your husband? Your son? Your father? Your brother?. If said brother, father, husband, son is NOT doing anything remotely sexually inappropriate then there is no cause for alarm, uncertainty or paranoia. so, imo, the “witch-hunt” is a phrase conjured up by the guilty to further “subjugate women” and keep “women in our place.”
“Believing women isn’t taking accusations as absolute truths and punishing the accused without due process.” The first part of this statement is troublesome. I am no lawyer, but as a someone who was sexually abused/assaulted, if crimes are not believed as “absolute truth” then “due process” cannot occur. It is then up to a court of law to decide, if it gets that far. Also, the underlying message is that our “absolute truths” must also take into account those who will falsely accuse sends a dangerous message to victims. We are NOT responsible for a flawed justice system. We should, however, expect respect and understanding from those who act on behalf of the justice system. Police, lawyers, the judge and jury who ultimately hear a case at trial.
What I interrupt from articles like this is: “Speak up, but not too loudly” which is inherently dangerous not only to women but to PoC, the LGBTQ+ community, and other diverse minorities.
I agree with you, HBO. First, sexual assault survivors and victims of sexual harassment should not feel pressured to come forward publicly. It is a personal decision, first and foremost, and coming forward, even today, is so difficult.
Second, the backlash to the “me too” movement was ready to spring into motion the moment the first accusations came forward. Very few people have said that due process should not exist. There’s little evidence either that those fired or asked to step down are doing so without strong evidence of guilt. I find the recentering of men as the victims of this movement to be part and parcel of patriarchy, and unfortunately, the cynical side of me saw this coming the day after the Weinstein victims stories emerged when Woody Allen cried “witch hunt.”
HBO, thank you for having the courage to speak up here, and say, wait a minute, this is not quite how it should be.
We are all struggling to understand the ramifications of the #MeToo movement, for the women and men of our generation and for our daughters and sons.
On one hand, we want women to have unconditional assurance that what they have to say will be taken seriously. On the other hand are these men who get wrongfully accused. What I believe is at the heart of this post is that “due process” will *hopefully* work for both men and women, so everyone is heard and the truth will out. But as you’ve pointed out, the justice system adheres to patriarchy.
So I have used up a lot of words to say basically nothing. Hm.
Great response, HBO, and I agree. And I am so sorry to hear about your experiences; I know that cannot be easy to share.
Your statement that men who have done nothing wrong have nothing to fear should they be accused is exactly the reason that we do need due process in the case of any accusation. As it stands right now, when a woman comes forward with a claim of some form of abuse, we believe her implicitly and find the man guilty, regardless of his viewpoint or take on the situation. That is not right. A woman’s word is no more or less valuable than a man’s just because she believes she’s a victim. This is especially true when the court of judgement is not a real court of law with rules and structures in place to ensure the facts are presented, but rather the court of public opinion.
As far as finding courage, I’m not talking about the courage for victims to come forward with a very personal story and spill that private information to the public. Yes, that does take a lot of courage, and we need women to do this if we want to hold powerful men accountable. But that is for every woman to decide for herself. When I say we need to find the courage to speak up, I mean that we need the support of society to give us the confidence in our right to say “Hey, I don’t like what you are doing and I want you to stop” when it happens.
My point is in no way that women should pull back on this issue. My point is that if the accused are not giving due process, then women will lose the power that they’ve gained. If accusations are all that is necessary to render a person guilty, then people will no longer put weight in those accusations.
As the mom of a kick-ass young woman who’s begun her career in a field overwhelmingly dominated by men–mechanical engineering–I too echo the plea for due process. My girl’s success depends on men being willing to work with her. Her career will shrivel if men shy away from mentoring young women.
Oh, Dabney – I hope you don’t communicate this kind of thing to your daughter. I am a woman who has been in an overwhelmingly male field for two decades. This excuse – that mentoring young women may cause trouble – has been around for that long, never mind the current backlash. And also “women have it better than men now because companies prefer to hire them”. And also “this guy who said that half of his colleagues are “diversity hires” because women are unsuited for software engineering was fired for his political views”. The list is endless and grows very wearing every time another young woman I am mentoring tells me that she or her friend was harassed at work, or a male friend with the same background as I gets hired for 50% more salary, or someone else says “but due process, he didn’t mean that, he is just autistic, assume good intent, innocent until guilty”. Until this stops being a regular occurrence, frankly, I have zero sympathy for men claiming that they are too afraid to interact with women because they don’t understand what counts as sexual harrassment or can be wrongly accused. That just plants the idea in the women’s heads that they are somehow responsible for managing the men’s feelings yet again. I love that piece about “due process but for whom” posted earlier on the thread – that sums up my experience perfectly.
Yes, I posted the “Due Process But For Whom” after I read it from Courtney Milan’s Twitter feed a few days ago. It is brilliant and perfectly describes why due process is for women and needed by women, even while the backlash is trying to recenter men.
I’m pretty OK with my daughter. But thanks.
Perfectly agree with you MO! I too am weary of the excuse then men now live in constant fear of how to interact with women. It is really quite simple: just act professionally and like a decent human being. I know plenty of people who manage it and who are not worse off by living by this really basic rule of conduct, namely my husband and my male friends. I think it also goes back to the saying that when you are accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.
Ok…I am not sure how men are being deprived of due process since that is a LEGAL protection afforded each of us under the constitution. We don’t have to meet the same types of burdens in the public square that we do in a court of law that can legally deprive someone of life or liberty. There are greater protections afforded when we are talking about losing life or liberty in a criminal trial (beyond a reasonable doubt) vs. property in a civil trial (by a preponderance of the evidence -over 50%). Are we talking about EXTRA due process that is not afforded anyone else for defamatory comments? Because it seems to me we want to punish speech beforehand. If someone makes an untrue statement about another person, the court has the remedy of a defamation action (libel or slander). That remains the case if someone is wrongfully accused of sexual harassment or if someone calls you a thief and they are lying. What is or should be different here’s?
The article I’ve linked to below is why we DO need some form of due process, even in non-legal situations. If all accusations are believed simply because they are stated, without any burden of proof or verification, then accusations can become weaponized. If I don’t need to prove that you actually did something – my word is enough to ruin your career- then there is motive for unscrupulous people to use false accusations as a way to punish those they believe have wronged them in any way. Once that begins to happen, people will always begin to question the accuser – is she doing this because she has a legitimate concern or is she distorting the truth for some other ill gain? Then we come full circle back to when women are not believed at all.
Too, it should never be that a person’s reputation and/or livelihood can be taken away from them just like that. A society that runs on accusations = guilt is a pretty hellish, scary place.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/chuck-schmer-forged-sexual-harassment-document_us_5a309bc5e4b01bdd76584e13?ncid=inblnkushpmg00000009
I certainly understand that false accusations are hellish for the person being falsely accused, but we have legal remedies for that now. If someone falsely accuses a public figure with the intent of vengeance or ruining their career, that would meet the malice aforethought requirement for defamation of a public figure. A Prima facie case for defamation is pretty easy to accomplish and once those pleadings are filed, if I recall correctly, the burden of proof shifts to the defendant and they have to prove the truth of their statement. It is easier to prove defamation if the plaintiff is not a public figure. A person’s career may be no less ruined if someone defames them by calling them a thief, a murderer, a traitor, etc. Why would sexual misbehavior accusations be more damaging than say…calling someone the head of a drug cartel?
I guess what I am trying to say is that the legal route already exists to bring liars to justice. Do we want to add criminal sanctions as well and would that serve to silence victims again? Do we want to reduce the filing costs of a defamation action or have some type of action that can be handled in small claims court without counsel or a misdemeanor crime? What makes sexual lies worse than other heinous lies that they should be handled differently? Would treating these types of cases run a foul of first amendment issues?
First; If my previous comment implied I did not believe in due process, I apologise. I ABSOLUTLEY believe in due process. I, too, find false allegations troublesome, and is just ONE of the many reasons why victims of sexual assault do not come forward.
Second: This issue is obviously a hotly contentious one, but as survivor of sexual assault, the argument of “just because it didn’t happen to me, therefore it could not possibly have happened to you” is not new. (See Kate Winslets” recent defense of Woody Allen.) By the time I was eight, I could spot a “Woody Allen creep” from mile off; I still can. but that is neither here nor there. In a way, my sexual assault gave me an advantage when I entered the workforce. I learned to spot the predators, and when they preyed, I said, sometimes politely, back off. Other times I had to spell it out with a loud FO.
Third: I am not sure when a “real” victim did not want due process. And FYI, I just about vomited that I had to type “real” victim.
Fourth: The court of public opinion is not a new concept to the 21st century. The speed in which we receive news, however, is. Social media has both hindered and helped victims and interfered with due process.
Fifth: My case is not unique., but I do acknowledge the support with gratitude.
I’m with you HBO. I’m just not here for the “won’t somebody think of the poor men?” vibe right now..
Kaetrin…in the last few days I have seen more articles (written by female journalists) that are sending that dangerous message. I have a son (22 yrs) and a daughter (24yrs) both of whom attend post-secondary institutions. I worry about both my kids, equally, when it comes to everyday life–how did your final exam go; did your lemon-of-a-car start in -40 below weather; how did your date work out…that sort of worry.
However, when it comes to sexual assault the REALITY is that my daughter is far more at risk for being sexually assaulted in her lifetime (either physically, verbally, or both, & faces more backlash on-line b/c of her gender) than her brother is at having false allegations directed at him. (which in the case of false allegations, imho, ought to be treated as criminal offenses & prosecuted to the full extend of the law–and if there isn’t already such a law, already, there ought to be!) AFWIW, yes, my daughter, has experienced both in-person sexual verbal and on-line abuse.
I find dangerous, too, that “escrow concept.” PREDATORS (whether in superior positions or not) are smart in their own sick and twisted way. They target those they see as vulnerable and weak and in positions where they “cannot financially afford” to speak out. And they are “careful” that no one else “sees” their heinous conduct. Any company {and its HR department} that adopts the “second” complaint policy before they investigate is complacent, and its morals should be questioned, imo.
I encourage each reader to view its local sexual assault centre website, where myths on sexual assault are countered with facts.
I also wish every one the best for 2018!
Totally agree, HBO. I work in academia where sexual harassment laws are very strict. There is no ridiculous second complaint rule as all allegations are treated seriously and fully investigated. The Trump Administration began trying to dismantle academia’s Title IX laws on sexual harassment the first week of his presidency. Academia is always though a target from conservatives and one of the reasons is because we do try hard to protect victims. I knew the backlash to the Me Too Campaign was coming though the minute it emerged. I hope things move further in the direction of providing more safeguards in place for women, and I hope the energy among women continues to grow.
My daughter (who is in a field where less than 10% of her classmates are women) and her friends are careful and connected and, in the four years she’s been in school, not one of her friends has been assaulted. She and her friends–male and female–see their social lives as supportive. She goes to school in a major city and is routinely returning home from the library late at night. Her friends–male and female–have a whole system to make sure everyone gets home safely.
I’d say the same is true for my son but he goes to a school where a Title Nine case has been in the headlines for the past five years. The rules for male/female sexual interaction are so vague and so punitive that my son and his friends–male and female–struggle to figure out how what will and won’t be considered dangerous.
I have four kids in their 20s and have spent thousands of hours with this age group. Many many of them–male and female, wealthy and not, POC and not–have shared with me their confusion. They just don’t know what the rules are. And they long for connection. We do them little favors by making them believe that any encounter has the likelihood of abuse.
And, as I’ve said before, two of my closest friends are rape survivors. This is not about rape or sexual violence against women. We are in the midst of a national discussion about how sex/love/romance proceeds between two (or more) people. Relationships are complicated, changeable and resist narrow definitions. To argue that we should parse them carefully isn’t anti-feminist.
Sexual assault and harassment are serious problems in our society, including on college campuses where people are young, on their own for the first time in their lives, and many of whom also have access to alcohol and drugs for the first time. We continue to live in a patriarchal society where gender inequity is taught early and by the time young people reach college, they are struggling on their own to know how to behave. I have been in academia for several decades as a student, teaching assistant and instructor and served on councils for campus violence. I view the annual security reports and this is still a real problem we are facing. I work across universities with other faculty and administrator who too are working to change our college cultures. As an annual participant in sexual harassment training and a coordinator for student training, the rules are clear, effective and they are working. If students are struggling to make sense of them, that bespeaks the needs to keep working on this issue. Much more needs to be done to educate young people on respect and safety, and so much more still needs to be done on training young women on self-defense. Many young woman walk to and from libraries and classrooms and dorms at night where they are still very vulnerable. Some universities now offer rides at night for individuals and some schools have contemplated having security dogs they can loan out. In our community we lost a beautiful young 18-year old woman last year who tried to walk home from class and was raped and strangled to death by a 19 year old young man. That is but one anecdotal case of which far too many still take place, not to mention the less severe trauma of daily sexual harassment in all shapes and forms. Title IX has been doing so many beneficial things to change our culture and it is under attack today from Sec. Devos and the Trump Administration. We are in the midst of a national discussion about respect and equity in all areas of our culture. No one is arguing that we should not parse issues carefully and I find that a completely disingenuous conversation. Sexual harassment training does that very work and is essential in our culture today.
Dabney, I think you are not hearing sexual assaults survivors’ voices. Sexual assault is not about relationships! AND the national discussion is not about sex/love and romance. like WTF!
Sexual assault is about power. And women SHOULD NOT NEED BE CAREFUL. Women should not have to make plans in order to be and feel safe. Women should be able to walk down street, or walk home from campus WITHOUT having to make a plan in order to be safe! WITHOUT worrying about the possibility of being assaulted. That is a women’s reality.
As to our sons…yes, sadly false allegations happen…but statically that is so low in proportion to a woman being assault/raped almost every minute of the day.
Good night, and Happy Holidays to all, and the best of 2018.
I’ll just say my many friends who have been sexually harassed and assaulted would be startled to know I don’t hear their voices. I am discussing procedure and the fact that I–and many others–believe Title IX and Believe but don’t Verify are deeply problematic doesn’t mean I don’t have compassion and haven’t worked on behalf of women or haven’t been harassed or threatened myself.
Secondly, there’s never been a world in which we are safe from predators. I am 56 years old and I’ve never once felt safe walking by myself late at night. I wish it were different but it is not. Our national obsession with guns had made all of us at risk anywhere at anytime. I worry more about my son who goes to school in New York than I do my son who lives in Bangalore.
And while sexual assault isn’t love/relationships, the way we are defining the former is making it unclear to many in all walks of life what interactions are acceptable. There is article after article in well-respected sources currently exploring this. We do not have hegemonic agreement on this.
I think it’s clear we see this situation differently. I respect that. Happy holidays to you too.
” Believing is not calling accusers liars. Ever.”
Why?
What makes women more believable and more holy than men? Did this statement really mean that we should not assume automatically that an accuser is lying? Remember the woman who accused the athletic (lacrosse?) at Cornell (?) of rape and was found to be totally making it up? I do not want our society to assume that accuser or victims are liars, but to investigate the truth.
I think the “believing” women refrain is what in academia we have defined as the need to take an accusation seriously and investigate it and assume that an accusation has substance and merit. It does not mean accusation is Truth. For far too long, women’s accusations, when they do come forward (most in the past have not) have been dismissed. So, to get to a place where we even take accusations seriously is a crucial place to start.
I believe the Democrats are doing the right thing by rejecting the behaviors of harassers. I think and certainly hope in the long run, the Democrats’ rejection of harassment pays off politically. I do not see Sen. Franken as a victim. I saw the photo of him appearing to sexually grope an unconscious women. He acknowledged that the photo was accurate. Based on that photo, I believe he should have resigned. That is aside from all the other groping claims, which should be investigated for the sake of due process. Franken was not expelled from the Senate; he lost the support of his colleagues, which is their right and opinion. I share their opinion that stepping down was the right thing to do.
Right now, politicians who apologize are having consequences. Denial seems for the moment like a safe strategy for people like Donald Trump or Roy Moore, but that’s because our society traditionally dismisses women’s claims and/or does not care if the allegations are true.
Yes, Linda X, that is what I mean. When a woman/women comes forward with accusations, our first reaction needs to be that we believe they feel that a wrong has been committed and we need to listen to what they say. Those who are accused should not be able to get away with saying “She’s a liar” as a defense which then causes the entire incident to just disappear (aka Trump, Moore). BUT then we need to hear the other side and look at all of the facts as best as they can be presented before making our determination regarding guilt. My big fear is that we’ve swung so far in a corrective direction that ALL women are being believed completely without giving the accused a chance to defend themselves. This is the big risk – that the word of women is now being believed absolutely. That is just as bad as believing men absolutely.
I tend to be a little more worried about the backlash to the “me too” movement even happening at all, and the backlash was ready to spring in to action almost as soon as the first accusations became public. Patriarchy is not going to go away without a fight and the words “witch hunt” were thrown out there the day after Weinstein was accused, predictably. Sure, we need due process. We also need to be careful of recentering men in this discussion instead of centering the many, many women whose lives have been destroyed — personally and professionally. Right along due process chants, let’s call for men to step forward and put a stop to behavior that has long helped keep them in power.
Absolutely!! Men need to be female allies in this MeToo movement for it to be successful. Women alone cannot change existing patriarchy, as you’ve said. And even more importantly, we need woke teaching in schools to prevent the problem from starting up in the first place.
Totally agree! Men need to do their part to change the culture in which pride is attached to “scoring” and women are regarded as trophies, giving powerful men some kind of mistaken idea that they are entitled to grope, harass and take that which was not offered to them.
Race is another consideration in the mix of accusations. POC men are far more likely to be accused of rape than non-POC and have the charges stick, whether true or false,
Yep. One of the young men mentioned in my tales is black. The committee at the school who investigated him kicked the only black faculty member off of his case because he was “biased.” In favor of the kid.
Then you see the Brock Turners get out of cases with solid proof.
This is an excellent point, Keira. PoC men face so many challenges already and this is just one more area in which they are exceptionally vulnerable.
Yes, exactly. The deck is always stacked against them.
PS to my previous comment in case you think I’ve never experienced any harassment, etc. I was the “victim” of an “assault” when I was a teenager. There was a boy in the neighbourhood who used to ride his bicycle past you and give your breast a squeeze. I told my mother about it and she said, “Honey, the next time, knock the SOB off his bike. That’ll teach him.” Sadly, I never managed to knock him off his bike but I can say with all honesty that this did not traumatise me for life and I laugh when I think about it and my mother’s attitude which was, basically, get on with life, don’t think of yourself as a “victim” and keep your sense of humour. After all, when God created man She was only kidding!
Love your mom. She gave you the best advice she could give. She didn’t want to put you in a bubble of protection, so she gave you the tools to look out for yourself.
I have carried this quote around in my wallet for the last 20 years: “The most stupid, ill-educated and nasty woman can rubbish the nicest, kindest and most intelligent man and no one protests.” Doris Lessing, the Nobel prize winning novelist, on sexism against men.
This is an important point – that a “reversing”, if you like, of sexism may be happening and then where will we be? We are now, in the UK at least, witnessing the police pursuing dead men, often following bizarre and ridiculous claims by proven fantasists to the detriment of other law enforcement issues and at great cost to the taxpayer. Some police forces now are declining to visit burglary victims, shoplifters are simply and knowingly allowed to get away with it, petty crimes are being ignored but instead precious resources are spent on someone offended by a pointless and stupid comment or a pat on the knee and this is, to me, just wrong. Too much “she said, he said” wasting time and ruining lives of both the accuser and the accused. We ALL need to grow up, and concentrate on the truly vile and not the petty and silly or we are in danger of creating a society wherein no one trusts anyone and every slight, comment, look, touch or thought becomes potentially criminalised.
No doubt many will disagree with me but if I were the mother of a son, I would be scared witless for him.
As the mother of a son, I am scared witless for him. The #Metoo movement was absolutely necessary and I am beyond delighted to see the last vestiges of the casting couch in the form of Harvey Weinstein et al get its proper comeuppance. That said, people like Amber Tamblyn are already working to move this too far in the direction of persecution, with no thought to due diligence.
This is my question:
I have three sons and a daughter. Why would I always believe my daughter but never believe my sons? As their mom, I’m likely to believe in them all equally. I have zero interest in dismissing masculinity as inherently toxic.
Yes, this! All men aren’t rapists or molesters or handsy. Assuming that women are somehow superior, and that it is PC to say this. does a big disfavor to the wonderful men out there.
As far as data goes, more women than men get molested on a daily basis. More men than women are the molesters. These are facts. But this does not mean ALL men are bad.
This is a great blog and I appreciate a lot of the sentiments expressed in both the blog and in the comments.I’ll add that I have been very concerned about one of the results/initial responses we seem to be seeing to this movement: those living in liberal environments (college campuses, Hollywood, the democratic party) seem to face harsh punishments for their behaviors while those living in conservative environments (Roy Moore, Donald Trump, Mark Sanford) seem to find themselves somehow above and beyond the fray. I am growing increasingly worried about how that will play out long term. I’ll be very interested to see what Wednesday morning tells us about the new shape of our senate.
It’s so hard because there are many cases where the net impact of something contradicts the original intent. My senator–whom I loathe–Thom Tillis just said if Roy Moore is elected, then the Senate Ethics Committee will investigate him. Contrast that to tossing out Democratic Senator Franken. Democrats end up with a seat that could flip Republican next November (Franken would have served for five more years.) and Republicans control the Moore seat no matter what. This seems…. foolhardy to me.
Well said, Jenna. And that final sentence in the Yoffe article really stuck with me after I read it last night.
Well written article. It helps as I consider my concerns about due process. I am proud of people who stand up. Thank you for sharing.
The one thing that really troubles me about the me too movement is the lack of due process. While I know sexual harassment is a real thing (most of us have been victims to some degree), I also know that people can misrepresent facts, outright lie, and also have over active imaginations. It is easy to make an accusation, but when something happened 5, 10, or more years ago, how does the accused prove that it didn’t. There is a lot of he said, she said going on. We also need to remember that both men and women can be the abuser, and both men and women can be the victims.
Two of my sons have friends (while in college) accused by ex-girlfriends of sexual assault. In one case, despite eye-witnesses that completely disputed the case, the young man was kicked out for a semester and lost his scholarship. He sued and the school changed its mind but he lost a year of school. In the other case, a girl who came from a very conservative family became concerned they might find out she was sexually active. She, months after the relationship, accused the young man of sexual assault. He has been found not guilty twice by the school and once by the police. Her family just hit his with a civil suit.
Dabney – I am absolutely terrified for my son as he goes off to college soon. It’s funny that for all of the lectures and lessons and warnings I gave to my daughter to “be safe, don’t make stupid decisions, manage your risk,” etc., it’s now him I truly fear for. I’ve told him time and time and time again that No means no, never do anything when there is alcohol or drugs involved, and the concept of a one-night-stand should not even exist in your world. But now there is a fear that even if he takes the most care and is as respectful as possible and has oodles of consent, there is still the chance that things like what happened to your son’s friends could happen to him. I’m scared to death.
Exactly! I want people – men and women – who are serial sexual harassers/predators/jerks to be punished. But I don’t want to live in a society where accusations are enough to destroy people’s lives. I fully believe in due process, and there need to be systems in place across all aspects of our lives that allow that to happen. Women need to feel free to report a problem, and men need to know that if they are accused, they will have their chance to tell their side of the story. I’m afraid if this doesn’t happen, women will lose their new-found megaphone as people began to think that accusations may be used for ulterior motive since nothing has to ever be proven or demonstrated. Just like we can no longer tolerate the HE WINS in the He Said/She Said situation, we have to make sure it isn’t an automatic SHE WINS.
Are you saying that we should tolerate “uncomfortably long hugs” or “misplaced hands” (and, by the way, a man knows exactly where his hands are placed in that circumstance) because, after all, we’re not being violently raped? While I agree that there are degrees of violence against women, every transgression against a woman’s autonomy and ability to control her personal space is a reinforcement of the power dynamics in a culture of male entitlement. While I don’t equate the horror of being violently raped with the indignity of having a man pinch your ass, both actions (and everything in-between) serves to remind women of the vulnerability of our social positions. I find your essay a thoughtful one, but implying that we should refuse to connect the everyday indignities every woman experiences with the horrors of the sexual abuse/exploitation that less of us do leads us to that gaslighting idea of “Oh well, it could have been worse.”
Saying there’s a spectrum is sane not gaslighting. Our entire justice system is based on gradations of wrong. Why is sexual assault any different?
I’m not saying – or implying – that any woman should tolerate any behaviour that makes her feel uncomfortable. I’m saying:
1) that we must recognize that there are degrees of transgressions and we must fashion our responses accordingly. We would not put a person in prison for shoplifting, but we would put a person in prison for robbing a bank at gunpoint. Both are forms of stealing, both are wrong, and both make the victims feel violated. But they are not equal. Currently, our knee jerk response to EVERY accusation of sexual impropriety is to treat it as the most heinous crime possible.
2) Sexual misconduct CAN be a subjective thing. If a man hugs me too long, I will get annoyed and maybe skeeved out and I will try to avoid him in the future. I will not, however, call the newspaper and expect him to lose his job or have his reputation destroyed. Another woman, however, may find that the exact same hug is completely unacceptable and she is a victim of sexual misconduct. Due to this disparity of common ground, we need a framework that is more objective. Again – not saying that any woman should tolerate what makes her uncomfortable, which leads me to
3) We women need to speak up. If a man hugs me too long or puts his hand where it shouldn’t be, I need to speak up. I need to say “Yo, dude, watch the hands.” Too often we don’t want to look rude or we think maybe we are misinterpreting the situation and don’t want to look mean or stupid, so we keep quiet. This is something that needs to change. We need to feel free – and find the courage – to speak up immediately.
I love this piece just written by Emily Yoffe wrote this week. The last paragraph really resonates with me.
She absolutely nailed it. I’ve been saying – and fearing – that there would be a major backlash to this phenomenon. As human nature so often does, we can’t seem to resist taking things to an extreme. We are at a major turning point in society, and that requires us to move forward carefully and thoughtfully.