Are people ruder?
I’ve had two friends in the past week say they think people are becoming “more self-absorbed,” “ruder,” and “less empathetic.” A close family member said she feels like she needs to lower her expectations for others, even those she feels close to. I have recently a few exchanges with friends/family that have kinda shocked me–not a lot of seeing the other’s perspective sort of thing. What’s up with that?
And it’s not just my world. In December the NYT wrote about this. They said:
There are, of course, lots of reasons why we’re snippy–life is in a good day somewhat stressful and we’ve had over two years of more stressful days. And maybe we should all lower our expectations for everyone–if life is hard, should we be judgemental or have high expectations? I don’t know.
For my part, I am trying to lower my expectations. I am lucky enough to have friends and family that treat me with love and kindness and I’ve realized I don’t need to have the unreasonable hope that everyone will behave thusly. (Although, I will always struggle with this. Life is short. Love all you can.)
What do you think? Are people ruder? And if so, is it strangers–I actually don’t see this in my life–or is it people you know? How are you responding?
Without a doubt, I think people have become ruder over time. It’s a total lack of manners and self-absorption. People will find any excuse to be rude, even accusing others of being whatever “ism” to justify the rudeness too. People are cruel.
I think in general society has done much better at encouraging people to choose what makes them happy and not be bound by traditional expectations. And that’s a good thing.
The downside is too much focusing on “me, me, me”. People give themselves a pass for everything now. It’s eroded basic manners and caused a shift from “I owe this as a part of society” to “I am owed everything”.
I think we need to find the calibration to swing the pendulum just enough each way and it’s a tricky balance. I know if all I focus on is myself it’s empty and encourages over analysis. Sometimes the most positive thing for yourself is focusing on others. It feeds the soul, I think.
Every study shows you’re right. Happiness in and of itself as the goal is overrated!
Just wanted to add: all you are describing isn’t a problem solely in the US. The same occurs in Europe, in the whole western world since the late sixties. Someone mentioned the Baby Boomers, the first generation that thought education isn’t neccessary. Manners, what for? How wrong they were. Now we have social media too worsening the situation. And, let’s be honest, even older people often can’t put their cellphones away while they should be interacting with people in their vicinity.
Illegal car racing, tuning and posing as loud as possible are a problem here in Munich too getting worser during pandemia.
Yes we have become a society of egotists. But there is hope. So many people here are willing to help the many Ucrainian fugitives. They not only give their money, they actually help!
People are ruder and more thoughtless. I see people push ahead of those already on line and, if you call them on it, got into attack mode. I see people occupy seats with signs saying that a senior or someone with a disability should be given those seats see a person walking with a cane or on crutches and just sit and stare. I’ve seen people push someone with a cane or on crutches aside so they can get through a door a few seconds faster. In a previous apartment, people with dogs would let them run through the building and jump on people; they’d refuse to clean up after their dogs, leaving feces, urine and vomit in the public spaces. In the downtown area of my city, drivers routinely go through red lights and stop signs, go the wrong way on a one-way street, block curb cuts and handicapped parking spaces. I was once on a bus and a woman was screaming at a man in a wheelchair that by accommodating him, she would be late for an appointment.
And, frankly, with the number of people who routinely go armed, I’m nervous about making a comment.
I am struck when I read 19th century novels at the code of manners and politeness. If you watch old movies from the 40’s and 50’s, the social expectations of people were so different. When I was a girl, the mantra was “be a lady” and “be nice.” If you want to be shocked, watch old TV series, especially for children and also for the whole family. In nearly every episode, there is a moral. Today’s series, in contrast, are vulgar and crude. If there is a minister, priest, teachers, and now a cop, you can be sure that they are evil. Who are our society’s heroes, especially for teenagers? Violent comic book characters.
In the last 50 years, the emphasis in our society has been on the individual doing what he/she wants to, whether it’s scream in anger (“let it out”) or asserting yourself, even if you have to speak over someone else. Our society is vulgar, sexual, violent, excited, and very angry which is seen as fun. People get a release when they explode at a stranger, friend, or family member. Sadly, that is no regret afterwards. Too many people see such rudeness as “I really told them” or “I stuck up for myself.”
Society used to express disapproval when someone’s actions were unacceptable, whether it was on the athletic team, in the classroom, or even in the nieghborhood. Social stigma was powerful. But now, we feel sorry for the bully who often gets positive attention and misplaced compassion, instead of punished. Too many of our role models are admired for their thinness, their muscles, their beauty, but not their character.
Can you think of even one admirable American for our country, today?
Absolutely!
Americans I deeply admire:
Dolly Parton
Stacey Abrams
Michelle Obama
Amanda Gorman
Lin-Manuel Miranda
Jimmy Carter
And that’s just off the top of my head!
OH, thank you, Dabney for supplying the list of so many people who are so admirable. It’s so easy, right now, to look at the world thru a black veil.
You make a good point. I think actually that the anonymity of the Internet–where you can have a twitter account and excoriate someone with relative anonymity–is partly to blame for skyrocketing levels of rudeness and bullying in recent years.
And remember, unlike newspapers or news television, platforms like Twitter or FB are seldom held accountable for the fallout of the terrible things people do. Thus, there is no incentive for SM platforms to encourage meaningful dialogue or better manners.
I think a lot of people revel in the sense of power they get when they successfully attack someone (or they attack an organization or other entity, for example, AAR) via social media.
I have had to become a much more resilient person due to social media attacks.
For me, strangers are really–other than on the road–a big issue. I live in the American South and we are pretty addicted to our manners.
It’s more people I care about. The family member who doesn’t acknowledge the gift you sent for her birthday. The friend who cancels on social commitments because they got a better offer. Those who never RSVP to an event. Those kind of things are really hard for me.
Yes. But between the pandemic and the possibility of a third world war, I’m letting everyone slide.
Self discipline, regard for others, kindness, surely these are needed in a crisis rather than turning away from more considerate and thoughtful behaviour. Masks during covid, the orderly queuing for food rations during WW2, looking after those who are more vulnerable must be what we should try to do. I hope for positives, not negatives as that seems to me how to win, endure and come out of a crisis with dignity.
Funny, I believe masking hurt rather than helped during the last 2 years. I think people felt and looked very anonymous. I did. It added to the sense of isolation. People were faceless everywhere you went–you could not see a smile, for example. There were some times when I would make a humorous comment to someone–say, a store clerk–and that person totally did not know I was laughing or smiling as I made the comment. They would stare as if to say “huh”? Never had that happen before.
I believe in masking when it works. There are some interesting studies that showing that masking/staying at home/social distancing accomplish by far the most in the first six weeks of a new strain. After that, the good they accomplish is far more minimal. At that point, it’s worth, in my opinion, looking at what masking/staying at home/social distancing hurts.
Masking makes you look in the eyes of people! There are other signs people can give one another.
A laugh is heard rather than seen so I’m not sure how masking would affect that. And I can always tell when someone is smiling behind their mask because of their eyes and how their cheeks move. Where I live, most people are still masking and I haven’t noticed a drop in civility due to that. People do keep more of a distance between themselves and strangers but I like it. I hate when someone I don’t know crowds me, whether it is in a line or shopping aisle or whatever. When someone is right on my backside I will often step aside and let them go ahead of me – if they are in that much of a hurry I don’t want the bother of their impatience rushing me through a task.
A little more distancing in lines is something I hope will remain after the pandemic is a memory. I also haven’t seen any drop in civility because of masks, except when someone who objects to them turns rude.
Before I got my N95 masks and was double masking, I did get into a couple of hilarious “who’s on first” conversations with cashiers! But we both laughed about it, no one was upset. I’m still masking because of chronically ill and immune compromised family members, but I’ve invested in the N95 masks so communication is easier. :-)
It’s less that I think the aforementioned things aren’t important, I simply recognize that everyone’s under an enormous amount of stress right now.
Without a doubt… I remember that during my adolescence people were a little more polite, nowadays at 24 most of them will simply not greet you if you are not their friend.
In Chile say, Hello, please, and thank you and ask permission now it is to be a kind and polite person because they are not things that everyone does. At least in my experience.
Not sure, Dabs, but your avatar is cute!
I do love Bitmoji!
What it feels like is that many people believe themselves entitled, for whatever reason. People want things, whether services, goods or being superior to others and they want it “for right now”. There’s no culture of being patient, of enjoying, of learning. We (modern society) are being taught to feel we must be serviced.
I work with public, at a touristic monument, and 95% of visitors present no problem and some even make my day. But a few remain in my head as bad experiences, no doubt.
I completely agree. This rudeness, which as a HS teacher I see on the rise, has its roots in entitlement and is watered by a divided nation.
I used to teach 11-16, and seeing so many teens and young adults who have absolutely no idea how to interact with each other in a positive way was very disheartening. There’s not even a basic level of civility or politeness, which is what I think we’re talking about here – not about going back to the more restricted eras of yore, but treating each other with basic courtesy. That whole “do as you would be done by” attitude has almost disappeared.
I blame baby boomers of which I am one. We raised our kids to put themselves first, to define happiness, their own happiness, as the main goal, and to see others as competition rather than as comrades.
I blame my fellow Gen Xers for the same thing when they talk/complain about a spoiled or entitled/mannerless younger generation. I say “well who raised them?’
I think Gen Xers are the ones who all thought their kids had to make up for their own disappointments (not getting to be prom queen or do certain things) by trying to make sure their kids NEVER struggled or were unhappy.
And that is not only unrealistic, but according to experts, sets people up to be MORE unhappy in life. If you don’t handle small disappointments you can’t learn to manage the larger ones life always throws at you.
One of the things I said over and over during my time as a teacher, was that we’re not teaching kids how to deal with failure. I can understand the desire to make everyone feel valued, of course I can, but if nobody ever gets anything wrong, and everyone gets a prize, it doesn’t a) make those who tried really hard feel good and b) doesn’t make it worth trying if you’re going to get rewarded for just showing up.
It’s a difficult balance to achieve, but pretending failure doesn’t exist isn’t the answer.
I agree, the lessons that have often stayed with me the most are the ones that came after some failure, setback or disappointment. If there is never any bitter how do you know what’s sweet?
Probably the hardest, but most valuable thing to learn is how to pick yourself up when you fall down.
I worked retail from 2012 to 2020 and from my perspective people got ruder the last few years I was working. I will still say most people are either nice, or at least neutral, which is fine. I don’t have to be their best friend. I wasn’t upset when people didn’t smile, only when people treated me or my coworkers poorly. And man, it got ugly at times. I had people yell at me, throw product at me, cuss me out and berate me for things I had no control over.
But I agree with Elaine that lack of simple manners is most common. Things like having my hand out for their card or money and people just throwing it on the counter instead of handing it to me. People staying on their phones talking loudly while I tried to check them out, making me ask several times for the payment. And I wish people would realize that store employees HAVE TO ask you if you need help or have any questions. It is literally part of their job description and something that comes up at performance review times. Biting their head off isn’t nice or necessary, and consciously ignoring their existence is beyond rude. All rude such customers would likely cringe if they knew how much they’re laughed at in the back room and around the dinner table. It’s a runny joke that customers who are the rudest when asked if they have questions are the ones most likely to interrupt you when you’re with another customer to ask for your help. Sorry Charlie, I’m busy.
And can everyone in the country try to remember that ales and service staff DO NOT MAKE THE RULES, nor do we have any say-so over pricing? Verbally abusing us doesn’t help anything. My boss literally had someone call him fat (he isn’t but, rude either way) because he told them about our candy sale and then make slur about his “so-called” profession, and had another woman throw a box of chocolates at his head.
You want to know why service is often bad? Low pay, abusive customers, and difficult working conditions. Retail is a damn hard job. And in the US, cashiers are NEVER allowed to sit down. Just saying.
Cashiers not sitting down or being allowed to take a bathroom break when needed is just ridiculous.
I had to return to work 6 weeks after having foot surgery and was still in a boot, but I wasn’t allowed to sit down even though my doctor sent a note. It wasn’t “professional.” NC is a “right to work” state, which is a misnomer for a state where they allow employers to fire anyone at anytime for no given reason. I could come back to work and stand, or be let go. Feet are tricky things and it took almost 8 months before the pain diminished. Even now I have issues with it that my doctor says are because I didn’t stay off my feet for the recommended 4 to 6 months for full healing. With our health care system and no job security for hourly workers, this happens to a lot of people.
I’m so sorry to hear about this, Carrie. I think things are slowly changing. I’ve seen Walmart cashiers be allowed to sit on high stools and I think it’s because of how many employees they’ve lost. They’re desperate. I typically use the self-checkout at my store but I’ve heard plenty of customers complaining about that system. The machines can be finicky and if you so much as buy cough medicine you need approval. It can be a real hassle but with the worker shortage it will probably be the future of retail.
That is – I think – illegal over here. Companies do try to get around it though. If you work 16 hours a week, you’re entitled to breaks (and other stuff) and I’ve seen some places (supermarkets in this case) advertising jobs that are 15.75 hours per week.
There are places that play tricks with that over here, too, advertising jobs for just a little bit fewer hours than when a certain right/perk would kick in. It’s disgusting.
I am not sure if it is rudeness or a lack of manners. If you sit in a restaurant or cafe and people watch, you will see appalling table manners, lack of interaction with waiting staff because the punters are glued to their mobile phones and loud and misbehaving children who are unrestrained by their parents. I have heard shoppers being nasty to staff and unbridled irritation expressed in all sorts of public places, often with pretty frank language. I have also seen heartening acts of kindness, consideration and generosity. I have seen people let their dogs foul the pavement (illegal!) and I have seen others clean up after them as well as their own dogs. I have seen disgusting examples of dumping rubbish at farm gates and I have visited my own local tip (dump) where the staff go out of their way to help me unload awkward items of rubbish. Thinking it over, it’s lack of manners, a failure to appreciate that society is comprised of others as well as self and a nasty habit of blithely ignoring the feelings or needs of others. And, yes, I see a lot more of it these days and it’s not necessarily younger people either.
Agreed. And that there are many people who believe that a free society gives them “rights” to do anything they want. Of course it never occurs to them that exercising their right to do what they want is likely impinging on the rights of others…
That’s complicated, though. There’s no such world where everyone’s rights are respected. I feel as if we should talk about how to figure that out. The answer isn’t for people with competing rights to shout each other down.
In order to “figure that out”, you need leadership that promotes free discussion and equal rights for all opinions. We don’t have that in the U.S. currently, in my opinion. I’ve seen plenty of evidence for that in the past year or two.
Well, we can do better. That’s the goal here anyway.
In a word? Yes. I could think of lots of examples, but right now, as I’m teaching my youngest to drive, the examples I see on the roads are at the forefront of my mind. She’s a good driver and has her test in a couple of months, so if it wasn’t for the L plates on the car, other drivers wouldn’t know she was a learner. But the number of motorists out there who seem to see those plates as a red flag to behave like a total arsehole is ridiculous.
This is where I mainly notice rudeness and recklessness, too — behind the wheel of a car. My city has always been notorious for bad traffic, and construction projects don’t help, but since the pandemic cases of road rage and shootings on the interstate have increased. Organized street racing has been a problem, too.
Fortunately, when I’m out shopping or on rare occasion we go out to eat, people have been respectful to one another.
The car world has become a nightmare. My fairly small town has had 18 series crosswalk accidents this year. Since the beginning of 2022, we’ve had 19 cars stolen out of driveways–this is UNHEARD of. We have all these cars that have souped up engines that drag race at night and keep everyone up. SO RUDE.
The social isolation forced upon us these past two years has, I think, worsened an already bad situation.
It’s just my opinion, but the giant social experiment of locking people down for an extended period of time, and forbidding them to get together and interact socially, has conditioned us even further not to care about others. People have become accustomed to the feeling of detachment, I think.
Certainly, it’s given rise to introversion.
There have been lots of studies done on how overcrowding, social busyness (aka fear of missing out) and endless connectedness are actually damaging to our mental health. Suicide rates were on the rise in the Western World long before Covid and much was made of how people reported increasing levels of loneliness while simultaneously reporting being more socially interactive (endlessly being on the internet and hanging out with friends). Consider the things we consider tranquil – bucolic scenes of the countryside, ocean vistas displaying vast expanses of water without people, mountain ranges displaying the glories of the great outdoors. Peaceful images don’t include parties or social gatherings. Social isolation actually made the interactions I had more meaningful and tolerant. I think when we have an abundance of anything we take that for granted .Limiting something can help us appreciate it.
I don’t notice it much on a personal level and I’m not on social media so I don’t interact with the toxicity there, therefore I’m not sure if people have gotten ruder or if it’s just that they’ve become more entrenched in their social/political positions and don’t want to even consider someone in the “opposite camp” might be a person worthy of empathy or respect. When entire swathes of people have been effectively “otherized” and dehumanized, they become not worthy of the effort it takes to be thoughtful and polite. I think, as a society, we’ve been doing this for a long time and the current abysmal state of social discourse reflects that.