What are you reading right now?
On Friday, a brutal 13 months and 2 days after his diagnosis, one of my closest friends died of Stage Four pancreatic cancer. The last weeks of his life were harrowing for him and we who loved him and I’m thankful he is no longer in pain. But, damn, it’s hard. (2020 really has been the worst year.)
I’m a before bed reader and, lately, I’ve had a hard time sticking with anything. Things that are too light can’t hold my attention but I don’t have the bandwidth for grim. The night of my friend’s death, I wanted a book that dealt with loss but wouldn’t leave me gutted. It needed to have sorrow AND hope, to be a reminder that this too shall pass and that the best way to honor those who have left us is to live.
I chose Serena Bell’s Sleepover and it was just what I needed.
This is, of course, one of fiction’s many gifts–it takes us away from our lives even as it reflects them.
What are you reading now? And if you have recommendations for books that have helped you get through grief, I’d be grateful.
Thanks,
Dabney
Dear Dabney, when I am sad I turn to DIK comfort reads, which I know vary from person to person. You are so kind and supportive of those of us who visit and post on this site that I am certain you were the greatest support to your friend. I am so sorry for your loss.
Oh that is lovely. Thank you. It gives me great comfort to think that AAR is a place of love and support. That is my goal!
May your good memories help comfort you. I am truly sorry for your loss.
Thank you!
I am so sorry for your loss.
Thanks.
Dear Dabney, I am very sorry for your loss. I work for a pancreatic cancer nonprofit, so I know all about how devastating that disease is.
I came back to romance after my father passed away years ago. I have no specific recommendations other than read something that is well-written, so it is easy to read
Thank you. 2020 has been such a slog–without books that remind me of love, family, hope, friendship, passion, and a belief in the future, I’d be struggling much more than I am.
“Brutal” is exactly what a death from cancer can be like. I’m so sorry about your friend, Dabney, and even though the people we lose in this way are no longer suffering, we continue to miss them.
One of my favorite poems that touches on death is e. e. cummings’s “anyone lived in a pretty how town”. I think what I like about it is the reminder that death is meaningful, it is a complete end, and yet the sun will rise the next day and people will wake up and go about their lives. Here’s the last verse (the dong and ding refers to the bells of the town ringing out) :
“Women and men, both dong and ding,
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing, and went their came
sun moon stars rain.”
My condolences, Dabney. I would have written sooner, but I needed to gather my thoughts on this subject because I know I sometimes have problems expressing myself in the proper fashion.
Like many here, I have no book recommendations. But I do want to say, I think it is sad our modern culture does not have the same respect and recognition for a period of mourning as it should. I’m not saying it should be like in days of old where physical manifestations of mourning, such as dressing in black, for a loved one were culturally mandated. But it would be nice if such things came back as an option. Because when I lost someone close to me, it’s true that it took about a year to feel better- which is about how long people typically wore mourning garb in the past. It would have been nice to have that option, to have a symbol I could bare that said, “I am hurting.” Instead, we fear powerful emotions to the point of suppressing them with drugs or bullying the sensitive, whereas the great epics of the past often spoke of weeping and wailing- often for both sexes. Grief is a natural process, and too often I see it pathologized in our modern world.
I don’t know if my insights are of help to you at this time, but I have thought of them and wanted to share in case they might somehow be useful.
Many of the rituals of the past existed to comfort–and to make us aware we are part of a larger cohort.
Absolutely!
I agree exactly. When my mom died, I felt so broken. I wanted to wear black mourning dresses. I wanted my pain and loss to be recognized. And it took about a year before the cloud that hung over me, the pervasive sadness, started to clear.
I think everyone’s different. Yesterday, for absolutely no good reason, I got dressed in a sundress I love, put on earrings I’d bought in India (I SO miss travel.), and found my long lost tube of mascara. I wanted, for a bit, to not be 2020 Dabney but to feel more carefree.
But my mom, two and a half years after my dad’s death, still wears his signet ring around her neck. That talisman grounds her.
The goal is that we all are free to mourn in the ways that work for us. <3
I am very sorry to hear this, my thoughts are with you and your best friend. We lost my husband’s parents very close together a couple of years ago and it was an awful time. I take comfort in the very many happy memories we have and hope that you are able to do so aswell. Take care xx
Thank you. <3
I am thankful for all the suggestions mentioned here for helping with grief. It seems the older I get, the more close family and friends I lose. The books I find comforting are rereads of Jayne Ann Krentz/Amanda Quick).
I always feel guilty that I’ve never read her. She is on my TBR!
Dabney, please take care. I too turn to music for solace during times of loss and grief. I love Enya – “If I Could be where you are” is a special favourite of mine.
I listened to a lot of Enya when I had a postpartum depression after the birth of my first child. Her voice is so transportive. Thanks for reminding me of her.
My condolences Dabney. When my brother suddenly died of a heart attack I played Enya on a loop! She still is a comfort listen.
I can’t think of any music to recommend personally, but years ago for my mother’s memorial we played her request of the gospel song “In the Garden”.
For a romance working through grief, I’m pretty sure the Carla Kelly book “The Lady’s Companion” centers on a hospice-like situation (maybe a little too much so for what you’re looking for).
I’ve not read that Kelly–I’ll check it out. Thank you!
Dear Dabney,
I am sorry for the loss of your special friend. It is most difficult to see those who we have a deep affection and care for suffer with no cure for their disease. We all hope and pray that there will be medicine and a remedy for all cancers. When I lost someone dear to me I recall my friend saying to me, “When someone you care for and love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.” May you have many treasured memories.
I love that quote. Thank you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Someone close to me died the same way. It’s a cruel way to die.
At times like these, I go back to my comfort reads. Georgette Heyer, for instance. Or Mary Balogh or Jo Beverley.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. Losing a friend is a special kind of hell.
As all of us, I’ve had my share of grief in my life. And reading has always been my escape, both from the unbearable and just the stressful. For those times that I feel overwhelmed, a new read doesn’t work for me because I can’t process it. So I retreat to comfort reads, books that I have reread over the decades and continue to go back to them. The audio version of Outlander got me through my husband’s illness, and I found that just having something I could focus on without any effort on my part really did help. So if you have any affinity to audio versions, let the familiar carry you away for a moment or two.
Sometimes just having a soothing voice in your ear is calming, too. These days I’ve been listening to books I know virtually by heart because it relaxes and sustains me.
My children do this to go to sleep. I think my youngest son has listened to The Name of the Wind on audio at least ten times. I’m out of that habit and I think I should start that again.
I fall asleep to audio books also! I put on an old favorite, close my eyes, and I’m out for hours. I just make sure to pick books that are at least 8 hours, because if it stops I wake up. Rosalyn Landor has a particularly soothing voice to me, but there are a lot of narrators that work just as well.
I am the world’s worst sleeper and wish I could fall asleep to audiobooks. But I always worry they’ll wake my husband up. It’s a conundrum.
I loved that audiobook. So. Good.
So sorry for your loss.
The go-to book I like to suggest is not a romance (though there is one within it) but it’s very book-ish and according to the blurb:
“As surprising as it is moving, The Storied Life of A. J. Fikry is an unforgettable tale of transformation and second chances, an irresistible affirmation of why we read, and why we love.”
It’s a beautiful, warm, hopeful book dealing with loss and grief.
Thank you. That sound so worth checking out!
I needed this poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay after losing a relative. It is not cheerful, but it was so powerful to read something that made me feel… normal? Understood?
I am sorry for your loss.
“Time does not bring relief; you all have lied”
BY EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY
Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year’s bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,—so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, “There is no memory of him here!”
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.
I’ve been posting a poem a day on Facebook for some time now–I love poetry. Here is my favorite one about death thus far (I like the Millay too!).
Remember
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann’d:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
Christina Rossetti (mid 1800s)
Oh, Dabney. I am so sorry. LIfe has waaay too many sorrows, and among the worst is losing someone you love from a painful illness. For me, it was like a bad burn. Often, people’s well-meaning comments just turned my pain to anger and made things worse. It was truly a no-win situation.
I recommend your rereading your old favorites. Unfortunately, humorous books are probably irritating now, and books full of angst intolerable. Maybe changing genres to history or biography might be more diverting.
Thank you! I am actually finding laughter a gift these days. I was just with my best friend–it is her husband who died–and we were laughing about nothing. It was the best.
I, too, am so sorry for your loss, Dabney, and that of your friend. I hope you and she have many more opportunities to remember and laugh together.
Re: a recommendation. I really enjoyed Sleepover and am glad it worked for you. I wonder if LaVyrle Spencer’s Family Blessings might also work for you. It is a May/December romance. The book opens with the death of an adult child (a police officer killed in a traffic accident), and she finds herself valuing the support of one of his friends in the midst of both their grief. AAR graded it a B read. I think it might fit your criteria?
I dunno. I am pretty averse to May/December stories. (My rule is, at the very least, halve the age plus seven.)
I’ve never read any Spencer though so that makes it more appealing. Thank you!
FWIW – Spencer must use your formula. Lee is 45, Chris 30. This pair is right on the edge of your limit. No pressure on you, of course. Your comment just made me curious enough to check.
I do think the formula should be expanded as we age. So, maybe for every year the elder in a relationship is over 40, you add some percentage. In general, I’m not wild FOR ME PERSONALLY AND IN MY READING of couples with more than a 10 year age difference unless both parties are over 50.
I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss Dabney. We have had a couple in our family recently and it’s just been a very bleak and depressing few months. I can truly sympathize. I don’t really have a definite book recommendation for you because I understand the odd balancing act of not too serious, but not too silly at this time.
I would generally recommend a Carla Kelly book as she has a wonderful way of tackling very serious subjects like loss but still making her books hopeful and not depressing. They are often about trying to be a good or a better person and what difference one person can make when they try to do good ,which seems very timely right now.
I hope you are taking time for yourself and treating yourself to whatever your soul is saying it needs right now whether it’s food or indulgence. Take care.
I’m so sorry, Dabney. I hope you find peace, and reach a place where you can celebrate your friend’s life.
My condolences, Dabney!
I’m sorry for your loss, Dabney. There’s never an easy time to lose someone that you love, but—with everything that’s going on right now—this time seems particularly hard.
Since “angsty with an underlying sense of melancholy” would be one of the best ways to describe what is romance novel catnip for me, perhaps it’s no surprise that two of my favorite books so far this year are about loss and recovering from grief:
Rachel Van Dyken’s FINDING HIM is about a young woman who lost her fiancé to cancer a year ago. She is writing a book about him and, while doing so, grows close to the man who is helping her write the book. This man is also processing the recent death of his mother and the fact that his ex-fiancée has married his twin brother. One of the things I loved about FINDING HIM is that we get to read snippets of the book the heroine is writing and her late fiancé becomes a fully-fledged character in the book and not just a convenient plot prop. (I’d recommend also reading the first book in the duet, STEALING HER, to get the full arc of the hero’s story.)
Marley Valentine’s WITHOUT YOU is an interesting take on one of my favorite romance tropes: a man falling for his late brother’s widow. But, in this case, the late brother was gay, so the hero (who has always identified as straight) falls for his late brother’s boyfriend. WITHOUT YOU includes an honest portrayal of how loss can rip apart a family and change people in ways that make them unrecognizable (the hero’s mother is unable to come to term’s with her son’s death and is frozen in a state of complicated grief, lashing out at or marginalizing her surviving son).
I will caution that neither of these books are in any way lighthearted, but both of them end on notes of joy and hope.
Thank you. I’ll check them out.
Dabney, I have no recommendations book-wise, but I wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your dear friend.
I am reminded of a song I stumbled on after a death in my family: Sleeping At Last, by Saturn. It’s a heavy song, so maybe put it on your list to listen to a few weeks from now. I cried a river listening to it, yet at the same time I found it haunting and beautiful, and it kind of expressed everything I wanted to say at the time but couldn’t find the words for.
The best music to make sense of death for me is Beth Nielson Chapman’s Sand and Water. She wrote it after her husband died too young of cancer–it is a journey of grief, remembrance, and healing. It’s just gorgeous–I listened to it when my father died several years ago. The title song is extraordinary.
Thank you for your thoughts. <3
Oh, gosh, Sand and Water – I totally didn’t think about that song, and I actually have it in my collection. (I first heard it on the TV show “ER”, like maybe 20 years ago.) Yes, it is an amazing, moving song.
So very sorry for your loss, and hope that time softens the hurt and the pleasure and privilege of having had this person in your life, shines through. My comfort read is where the heroine saves the hero. Lady Saves the Duke by Annabelle Anders and the Truth about Cads and Dukes by Elisa Braden are 2 of my favourites.
I haven’t read either of those. I will check them out. Thank you .
Dear Dabney – I am so sorry for your loss which has come in these very difficult times for us all, especially for those like you who are supporting family or friends at life’s end. I can’t recommend a book and it’s hard to keep one’s mind on the written word in such times. I sat with my mom in her assisted living home for a week while she quietly died and found music a great comfort. I played her favourites (and mine) although the end came in silence as I listened to her breathing as it ceased. Whatever you read or listen to, I hope it brings you comfort in your sorrow. Love, Elaine S.
Thank you. I too find music a great source of strength. Yesterday I was listening to my favorite soothing classical songs (playlist here) and it made me feel so calm. There’s something about the timelessness of classical music that is so peaceful.
I will say that, as brutal as cancer is, it’s a gift to know the end is coming and to prepare. I feel as if I’ll mourn for a long time but I don’t feel overwhelmed by it.
For me, 5,000 miles from my home in the UK, that last week with my Mom, was difficult but it gave me peace to know I could be there with her and hold her hand. The following 3 weeks, running all over Southern California to deal with the aftermath was very, very hard but I am so glad I could do those things for her as she and I had planned most of what needed to be done the year before so it was mainly going through a checklist. It was, in actuality, a long good-bye and maybe knowing what’s coming is marginally less tough than a sudden, unforeseen death. I found Gregorian chant beneficial and I listen to it when I have a migraine.