Announcing the AAR Private Facebook Group: A Safe Space to Discuss Romance
Last year, when AAR published its latest Top 100 Romances List, many got furious at us for doing so in a way that didn’t encourage diverse romance. We took those criticisms to heart and our final list was indeed more diverse than any of the others that had come before it. However, the anger towards AAR, me (its Publisher), and its dedicated all-volunteer staff took on a life of its own on Twitter. For weeks, thread after thread attacked AAR and its staff, often in personal and, in my opinion, unreasonable ways.
At the height of this, someone I’ve never met screenshot a series of posts I’d made defending our staff, made them into a PowerPoint presentation, and presented them at a conference. At that point, I made my Twitter profile closed to all but people I knew well–I’ve since opened it back up to the public–and have been very guarded about what I say on that platform.
This has been a bummer for me in that Twitter used to be, for me, a place I could share my thoughts, opinions, and questions about. I’ve missed learning from and interacting with others who love the genre as I do.
Incredibly, Twitter has become an even more brutal place in the last year. I’ve watched in dismay as those who–anywhere, not just on Twitter–share things that, because others have found them offensive, are posted, often out of context, and routinely in a way that is clearly designed to silence the offender. Those of you who have followed my comments over the years here at AAR know that I am passionate about free speech and feel strongly that the very definition of a healthy community is one where people can disagree with one another without fear.
It has also made me wonder if fewer people are comfortable commenting here than they used to be for fear of having someone attack them or, even worse, share their stuff elsewhere. This doesn’t sit well with me.
So, we’ve decided to start a private Facebook group for readers and fans of AAR. It is a place where all are free to talk about romance and the genre. It will be a moderated page with rules which are these:
- We’re all in this together to create a welcoming environment. This is a place where everyone should feel safe. Here we believe in Kindness: Spread that sh*t around.
- Give more than you take to this group. Self-promotion, spam and irrelevant links aren’t allowed.
- Being part of this group requires mutual trust. This group is like Vegas: What’s shared here stays here. If you break this rule, you’ll be removed from the group.
If you’d like to be part of this group and the above rules work for you, we’d love to have you join us. Here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/AllAboutRomance
We look forward to, with joy and kindness, talking about romance there with you!
Dear Dabney
I missed this particular column as I was away on a 4 week holiday.
I closed my FB account 3 years ago after having it for 2 years. Despite it being totally private, I was annoyed with constant junk that even good friends were posting. I really don’t care what they can for breakfast, don’t want to see pictures of their kids, their holidays or, indeed, any other personal info there. I never felt safe. As for Twitter – never even considered it (wonder why?!!). Snapchat? No interest whatsoever. I have an active online life via emails to my friends and that’s enough for me. I can always send an attachment if I feel it’s necessary.
I have always felt “safe” at AAR since I first found it in 1999 and I have posted intermittently since then, more recently with the Ask @ AAR which, as I told you via email, I find a really great spot to share ideas. I have even disclosed some personal information here over the years that I would never put on FB, et al. So, I hope you and those who use the FB group have every success but I won’t be joining it. I hope that the discussions here, on the website, continue and won’t be stopped. Like Mark, I miss the old message boards which were great fun and I felt I got to know a number of regular users and valued their opinions whether I agreed with them or not.
We’re happy to talk with you wherever we can!
How long does it take to get accepted into the FB group? I requested to join a few days ago, but have not been accepted yet. Thanks, I didn’t know where else to ask about this.
You have to accept the rules of the group in order to be accepted. Apply again and make sure you check the box that says you’ll follow the privacy rules.
Dabney, I am being offered no such box. I did as you said and applied again, and the only option I get is to cancel my request. I do accept the rules, of course, but where do I find the box you refer to?
There should be a section where it says do you agree to follow these rules. Do you have a popup blocker on? I would cancel your request and try again. Make sure you scroll down to see the questions. If that doesn’t work, I’ll send you the rules and you can agree to them via email.
Dabney, I’ve canceled and re-requested numerous times and I get no prompt for accepting the rules. I don’t have a pop-up blocker on. I’ve scrolled down as far as I can and still nothing. Many FB groups have similar caveats and I’ve never had a problem before, so I’m stumped. Can we try the email option? Thanks for your patience with this!
Dabney, thanks so much for your help! I’m now in the group and have posted a couple of times. The world needs more places to talk romance!
Nice to ‘see’ you Willaful! I’ve missed you on twitter!
I’m not trying to steal anyone away, but for those who don’t do facebook, my husband and I started a mastadon “instance” called romancelandia.club. It’s similar to twitter in style but decentralized and unmonetized. So far it is quite small and drama free.
There’s no point in making a diverse romance list just for the sake of it. A good romance book is a good romance book, period.
It’s strange that you posted this now. Both this site and DA have lost some of the open discussions that I enjoyed in the past. For this site, I noticed that the forums, which I used to follow on a daily basis, no longer have any actual threads other than the ‘what I’m reading’ ones. Romance land has had some interesting occurances (Cristiane Serruya, I’m looking at you), yet I didn’t see anything about that either here or on DA. I have been unable to log into the forum since the change in servers, but that can’t be true for everyone. I felt as though everyone went to a new venue and didn’t leave a forwarding address! I’m willing to give the FB a try, as I still log in there. I miss the old forums even though I lurked more than posted. Thanks for giving this a try.
I am so sorry, Dabney for the personal attacks. I like a robust discussion, but I have never understood the need for personal attacks. I wish you the best on FB, but I won’t be joining. I made the decision a long time ago that I wasn’t going to be part of FB much to the consternation of friends and family. The past few years have confirmed to me that I made the right decision, for me. ( I just wanted you to know that my not joining was not due to lack of interest.)
Thanks for your kind words. I will continue to work on ways for our community to enjoy robust discussions!
I’m in the same situation as TerryS – I decided against FB a while ago and very little has tempted me to join. In fact recent events have confirmed my decision.
Best of luck with the new AAR venture – I hope it works as you envision it.
I, too, hope that reviews continue to be posted on the main site.
No worries. FB isn’t to replace AAR. It’s just to give us a space to chat.
I will join- see you on FB :-)
The mobile view for this site isnt that great (especially the homepage). I come for the reviews.
Thanks for letting us know. I’ll work on that!
It’s working fine on my iPhone. What is it that you don’t like? Feel free to email me at dabneygrinnan at allaboutromance.com. I’d love to get some feedback.
Sorry for the late response.
Im
On an iphone 7plus and i can never do a power search because the view is cut off.
Also, the commenting sections needs better UI. It works… but it looks like something id expect in a browser.
For instance, when i click on this txt box to type a comment, it should fit the view port and should be the focus. Instead, the right half is cut off and the left side has too much padding/margin.
Media queries need to be adjusted and maybe if it isnt too much trouble do a redo of the design.
If i can provide more assistance,
Lmk!
Love the site and will continue visiting. Commenting was never the big attraction while visiting this site. Reading comments often kills the joy of reading the book.
I used to post a fair amount with the old AAR message board system, then the boards were completely down for several months, and the new boards after that were a challenge to use for quite a while, so I pretty much got out of the habit.
I don’t participate in (anti-)social media at all, so I can’t join a Facebook group.
I just visit for the book reviews…I hope you keep posting them here
Good luck with your FB group. I’m not on FB, so I can’t join.
I’m very careful in any comments I make on social media. Although I haven’t had a problem yet, some members of the romance community can be brutal if they disagree with a posted comment. This has made me cautious in commenting on many sites. I’ve noticed some authors on Twitter are starting to pick fights, too and gang up on opposing views.
How private is the group on Facebook? Is it a Secret Group where my other FB friends can’t see when I post? Does it show up on my public profile that I’m part of this group? I always thought the reason many don’t post on the message boards here any more is that posting is harder than it used to be some years ago. For a while you had a group on Goodreads. I prefer GR to FB. Thanks for all that you do for Romance Readers.
It currently is a Private Group not a hidden group. Your FB friends who are not in the group CAN’T see when you post. Only people in the group can. We could make it a secret group–that means no one can even see that the group exists. Currently it is a Closed Group which means anyone can find the group and see who runs it. Only members can see who’s in it and what they post. I am personally looking at every one who asks to be in the group and only accepting those who agree to our rules.
Not Danny. Stupid spell ✔. Sorry Dabney
I have been called far worse! No worries.
Amen to all the FB and social media concerns. Danny I am so sorry anyone could have attacked you. I think you have been most kind, fair and patient in all your dealings here. I never go to Amazon except through your link and I also donate to AAR. I look forward to the reviews every day, but no FB go me.
Thank you so much for your donations. AAR is struggling mightily to stay on line and every little bit helps. <3
How I feel for you, and understand.
I admire your courage and perseverance, and wish you the very very best in this new approach.
Yes, I am not comfortable expressing simple opinions on much of anything in the internet by now. This is not due to AAR in any way, though it influences also my activity on AAR. I would rather be silent than post anything that is not very carefully thought out beforehand. My spontaneity is gone.
This is a Combination of many factors,:
– Feeling unsafe due to hacking and fraud and regular password scares,
– Feeling specifically that FB is not a good platform in many ways, and constantly needs to be watched, isolated from my other activities, and that I should not become friends with people there unless I already know them from other contacts or IRL.
– Consistently being made to feel that I am not allowed have an opinion on a lot of things unless I have done profound research on economics, history, culture and so on, or belong to the relevant business, group, ethnicity, gender, religion, race etc..
– Even then, I often feel blamed for wanting to understand other people’s experience instead of already knowing it, if I do not phrase things in a very cautious non-confrontational way – and for some things, even asking seems to offend anyway.
– Further, I am also regularly told in all advice or media that cover the topic, that I am never allowed to get upset, because I come from privilege, anyway, and everybody (except me myself) is entitled to a lot of (aggressive emotions), and
– anyway, I should not participate if I cannot take the heat.
So; I am withdrawing – I regret this a lot, but I am at this point at this time. I do not feel safe.
So I will not at this time join an FB group, while wishing all who do the best, and understanding your approach well. I am limiting my FB exposure, not quite inactive but consciously only logging in extremely rarely , posting nearly nothing and avoiding all intense activity.
I may change my mind in the future, if you could occasionally mention here whatever general experience you have with it, so I can reconsider my position at a later date.
Deepest Apologies for cowardice (or whatever the right word is for my stance)!
I don’t think you’re being cowardly at all, Lieselotte. Many of the things you say in your comment are, I’m sure, things thought by many others who don’t want to fall victim to the sort of bullying Dabney is talking about.
thx, Caz!
Hugs. And I will just say that you can be in a group on FB and not participate in any other part of FB. I run a large book club group there and several of the people in it are ONLY on FB for that group.
I’d also add that being in a group doesn’t make you friends with anyone in the group. I too limit my friends on FB to people I actually know and see in real life. Even in my book club groups, I am not friends with all the people in those groups.
I hope your new project is successful for AR, but I wish there were an alternative to FB. Nothing I have seen in the past year entices me to go back there. I hope other options arise in the future.
No thanks! It’s time to denounce Facebook not promote it. I’m sorry about your Twitter experience and I mean no offense, but what did you expect from such an anonymous and absurd worldwide platform? Honest good women are continuously ruined by Twitter.
AAR is a private site so just don’t post offensive or provocative comments or is it too much work/anxiety to moderate? Frankly I miss some of the more “strenuous” discussions” of the past, but I also understand the need for respect and kindness. It is essential for effective discourse. There are a lot of social media users who work very hard at undermining goodwill and spew hate towards people who have a different perspective and it is at least very annoying and at worst, well look at the political atmosphere in the USA and Britain. Facebook and Twitter’s power to shape culture really pushes “me buttons”, so I am not very objective on the subject.
Once on DA I got crucified in a conversation and it was mortifying, so I totally understand the need to feel safe and comfortable when sharing an opinion.
Cheers!
I’m happy to moderate but we’ve seen a real drop off in our commenting without a drop off in our visits. That makes me wonder if people are uncomfortable commenting here.
I have a lot of experience protecting privacy on FB–I run several groups there–so, though it’s not perfect, I’m hopeful we can make it work there for those that the conversation isn’t working for here.
Dabney, I am so sorry that you were so viciously attacked. Unfortunately, as you well know, we have people who don’t seem to get free speech. They are so busy being right that they forget being kind. I will be joining the Facebook site. I loved the online discussion, before the new format, and miss it. I was always impressed that although people had very strong opinions sometimes, there was never any attacks of the poster. Let’s hope that we can again discuss in a civilized fashion.
I wish you success in that Facebook idea. I’m not thre, so I will not join the group, but I understand perfectly the need to do something like that.
I prefer to post honest reviews of books I read on Goodreads now. Thus far, I have not encountered personal attacks there, and even if readers disagree with my analysis, the disagreements have not resulted in the acrimony that I have witnessed here at AAR over the years.
You write well written reviews and I always enjoy reading them whether I liked the book or not. I’ve annoyed a few, but no insults, though I would have probably laughed it off!
Acrimony on GR is probably a little more accountable because you can unfriended!
Thank you, Mel! And that’s a good point about unfriending on GRs. I’ve actually never had to do that, but I can see where it would help to keep negativity down.
Hi..
Wishing you and those who subscribe the best of luck.
I have not and will not participate on Social Media. I come from the generation that believed in open verbal and written communication. Hiding behind pseudo names and concealing oneself that so many do via new communicating platforms to me is hostile and anti social.
For myself I hope this new venture is something you can direct in an open honest and transparent fashion without retaliation by those who are uncongenial.
Best Wishes for a successful venture.