the ask@AAR: What matters most in true love?
I was at a wedding this past weekend and found myself in an interesting discussion. My tablemate, a woman a bit older than me, married to her high school sweetheart, said she thought it was a mistake to tell young people they could have it all in a partner. She felt that made picking and settling down with someone seem impossible–there’s no such thing as a perfect match, she said. She said she told her kids, if there are five categories–intellect, ethics, physical attraction, compatibility, and shared interests perhaps–if you find someone that checks three or four of those boxes, that’s enough for a life of happiness with another.
I said I disagreed. I think, when starting out, you should have all five of those but that, over time, some of these aspects will become more significant than others and so perhaps not all five categories should be weighted equally. I am idea obsessed AND easily bored–it’s been a gift to be married to someone who is smarter than I am whose perspective always interests me. After the years, that has mattered more than almost anything to my happiness in my long-term monogamy.
And yet, when I thought harder about these traits, I couldn’t see my way into giving up any of them. The giant fights most committed relationships encounter need the power of lust to ameliorate their wounds. Being able to spend eons of time together with another person would feel limiting if we both didn’t enjoy most of what we do when together. Creating and sustaining a family is vastly more difficult if parents don’t have compatible values.
That said, I can see my tablemate’s point. If we believe that the only viable match has everything we’ve ever wanted, we rule out those with whom we might happily share our lives.
Perhaps it is smarter instead to say those looking to partner should check for and subsequently avoid traits that are flat out wrong for them. If you are a by the book type, someone who thinks rules are for losers probably isn’t a winner for you. If you care passionately about passion, choosing someone you’d just as soon cuddle as snog probably isn’t a smart move.
What do you think? What advice would you give those seeking to find a mate?
I ran across this article from The Atlantic today, and it seemed relevant to some of the discussion we’ve had in this thread: things like showing appreciation for your partner and keeping lines of communication open. The writer claims his marriage eventually crumbled because he failed to understand the significance his wife placed on him not putting a dirty glass into the dishwasher. I’m sure there was more to it than that, but the article points out the real importance of attempting to see things from your partner’s point-of-view (and vice-versa, of course).
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/04/marriage-problems-fight-dishes/629526/?utm_source=digg
I actually have a friend who left her husband in part because of how he criticized the way she loaded the dishwasher!
Becoming a widow several years ago in my early 50’s, I say an absolute “Yes” to anyone considering retiring early and taking advantage of the time you both have left together. I had over 30 years with my best friend, 26 of those married, and I would have to agree with the trust statement. We were complete opposites in a lot of ways but we had complete trust in one another and knew that the other had our back no matter what. We truly wanted what was best for the other person or would make the other person happy, even if that meant putting our own wants or needs second. I will say that it took us years to figure out how to get to that point. It helped that we both had the same goal – a happy, healthy relationship. I’ve watched too many relationships over the years deteriorate into passive/aggressive words and actions aimed at hurting this person they were supposed to spend their life safe-guarding and cherishing. It makes me sad. I am very truthful with my children. I tell them marriage and commitment is not for everyone – I’m not a believer that you need a man/woman to be happy. If you are not willing to put the work in do not tie yourself to someone else and make their life miserable. Marriage is not easy. It’s not 50/50 it’s 100/100 – it’s a lot of sacrifice and compromise. You should make sure you really know what you want from life and a life partner. Most importantly, it is not someone else’s job to make your life better or easier. If they do, you’ve gained a happy by product and if they put the work in they could end up with something amazing.
I’m kind of torn on who I would agree with. I had all five with my husband – not all the time and not consistently, though. I sort of feel that kids these days (I feel so old. LOL) want everything, they want it now and their expectations are out of this world. They don’t want to work for it and a relationship is work. If you want to share your life with another person there has to be compromises and acceptance. But you do need a baseline of shared values, views, and of course a little spark never hurts.
I do think being aware of what you definitely don’t want is smart too. Like if you want children and the person you are dating doesn’t. I would think that’s a deal breaker. As much as I love romance and romance novels, I am very pragmatic when it comes to picking out the person you will spend the rest of your life with. LOL
Two things you said resonate big time with me.
I always say, each person needs to be OK with giving 60%–I think the whole 50/50 thing is destined to make you feel unappreciated and angry.
And this, oh I love this:
So wise. I am going to steal it and use it when I talk to people about long term love.
Thank you!
Thank you! What a lovely compliment!
“As much as I love romance and romance novels, I am very pragmatic when it comes to picking out the person you will spend the rest of your life with.”
My husband and I were introduced, had our first date, and were engaged in less than a month. It sounds like a whirlwind romance, but it was actually rather practical. We met at a very stressful time in my life. My dad was dying of cancer and I didn’t have the time or energy for the “mating dance.” Will was stable, fun, interesting, and we had the same goals in life-marriage and family. I’d been married and divorced and knew what I didn’t want. About three weeks into dating I asked him if he could see us with a future, because I’d had my fill of men who seemed interested, but didn’t want any commitment. He responded by asking me to marry him. I said yes. My dad passed away a month later. Before he died he told a friend he “was so happy Carrie would be ok.”
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you! I’m sorry for your loss, too, and I’m happy you found your person! Isn’t it funny that sometimes we have to experience what won’t work before we find what will?!
You remind me of my daughter. She introduced her new boyfriend to all of us the week her father went in for his first surgery. My husband was gone less than a year later after a horrific year of trying to fight his cancer. He had told her – “I like this one, marry him!” And I told her a couple weeks after my husband passed that if her man was willing to stick with us after the year we put him through, she should grab on with both hands and not let go! LOL It was definitely a trial by fire. They are getting married later this year! I’ve watched them grow together and deal with relationship issues very honestly and in a timely manner (things that I confided took her father and I years to work through). I think that speaks to what Dabney was saying in her initial post that the death of her father instilled in my daughter a need to stop messing around and figure out their sh*# quickly cause no one is guaranteed tomorrow.
Congrats on your daughter’s upcoming wedding! It sounds like they have a solid foundation.
@Irisheyes
This brought equal parts tears and a smile from me. You articulated so well what it means to be in a longtime, healthy and happy relationship . I’m in such a relationship and I’m thankful every day for it.
You are sweet! Thank you. I, too, am thankful every day for what I had. I’m also very proud of what I had and that I was smart enough and courageous enough to work for it. Those were not character traits I would have given myself only 3 years ago! You should be proud too!
Funny story… when we were dating over 30 years ago, he asked me what my goals were. It became a huge argument. I said a happy, healthy marriage and happy, healthy children (cause I didn’t see that growing up and that wasn’t my experience). He laughed and said yeah, well that’s a given, doesn’t everyone want that, isn’t that kind of a silly goal? He wanted me to say something like… go back to school and get a degree, or name some job I was passionate about, or state some dollar amount I wanted to prove to myself that I had made it. My answer was yes, they do all want that, but they are not willing to do the work. They think all they have to do is get married and it magically happens – like in the movies.
We had a lot of time to reflect on our life together in his last year. He looked over at me one day with tears in his eyes and said I just want you to know that you reached your goal and then some! I didn’t know what he was talking about at first and then he reminded me of that argument we had over 30 years ago about my “silly” goals. He said over the years he has watched quite a few marriages and families implode and fall apart and he believes the best decision he ever made was to marry me! That was pretty heady stuff for me to wrap my brain around. Especially because a part of me felt like I was letting down the whole 70’s women’s movement (and my mother) by concentrating on marriage and family instead of a career. Endlessly crazy times we continue to live and grow in, huh?
I had that same feeling of letting down my peers. At the time, I felt sh*tty, like I was making poor choices. Today, I look back and I am furious that feminism abandoned stay at home moms.
And your story about your husband telling you you reached your goal, well, let’s just say, it’s allergies that are making my eyes water…. <3
That’s beautiful! I agree with Dabney that feminism let down SAHM. Feminism is about women having the agency to make the best choices for them. Going from the box labelled “All women should stay home” to a box labelled “All women need to work” still keeps us in a one-size-fits-all box.
While I could list lots of very important things, like respect, shared interests, and physical attraction, etc., I think the big one for me is trust. Through the disagreements, life stressors, family tragedy, etc., I have had 100% confidence that my husband always had my best interests at heart. When your interests are forefront in your partner’s mind, then so much of the rest falls into place. Arguments don’t get hurtful, you feel respected, your interests and hobbies are encouraged, etc. Of course no one is perfect, but 38 years into this journey and my husband is still the person I most want to spend time with.
I’ve loved having him working from home (which he’s going to continue to do) and I have no fear about his retiring. People say they had to make big adjustments, but we’re pretty used to being in each other’s space all the time (his desk is 5ft from the LR sofa where I read and do computer stuff during the day). One last thing I appreciate about him is his insatiable curiosity. He reads all the time and always has a new field of interest. Honestly, it’s like being married to serial versions of Will throughout the years and it’s fascinating!
Respect, communication, something in common besides sex though sex is nice if this is what you’re into.
Mutual affection, respect, appreciation, along with similar interests, comparable ways of processing information, compatible outlooks, and alignment of long-term goals are all important elements in finding a lifetime partner, but there’s also that indefinable chemistry that makes it work between person A and person B, but not between person A and person C. So the first thing I’d advise is make sure you feel that spark for the other person (and they feel a corresponding spark for you). I would also counsel that the wild passion of youth & early love will fade (at least somewhat) over the years, so don’t make a lifetime decision based only on having a great physical connection. Yes, that part of a relationship is important, but there has to be something stronger there to carry you through the rough times—and in any long-term relationship, there will be some rough times.
Dabney, I take it that “true love” here is that which applies to marriage or other long-term partnerships. My own experience, with two marriages, is that the first time I was trying to escape from a difficult home life which had caused me to grow up far too soon and in the second instance I was marrying a friend with whom I had fallen in love. The first time around we were both too different in outlook. He was married to his teaching job and looked down on my achievements in work and education; it bothered him that I graduated from university with a higher GPA than him and he really could not accept that and so his needs came first – very immature in hindsight. I was willing to take chances in life; he was not. (Side comment – it was then, during that marriage, I really started reading romance with regularity as, I suppose, I was looking for what I didn’t really have.)
The second time, I married a man from another country, with very different life experiences to me, who was not academic but very clever in practical ways and who achieved much in his career. We were first friends (he was the boyfriend of a pen-pal of many years standing – she has never forgiven me!!) and had spent time together in each other’s home country. Yes there was a lot of lust for quite a long time as there is often is but now, after 42 years of happy marriage, we both see that lust does not last forever. It’s the common interests and deep and abiding friendship, loyalty, the comfort of the double bed, even political outlook that matter most. I adore him, love him and can’t imagine life without him but also we try to look ahead and plan carefully to make sure that the last years of our marriage (before the inevitable) are as good as we can make them in honour of the still to me incredible first years.
I am thinking about long term relationships and what makes them last and last with joy.
Your second marriage sounds lovely.
I have been hit by two very sudden deaths in my world in the past month, both of which involved people my husband’s age. It has made me think endlessly about what I and he should be doing with our lives. My answer is retirement for us both within the year. I am just so acutely aware of the inexorability of time.
Facing up to love combined with inevitable loss is the hardest thing we can do. Ignoring it just makes it worse and careful planning can mitigate some eventual diffuculties though not eliminate them. I, too, have witnessed loss and grief in the recent past and the best we can do is try to learn from it whilst supporting the bereved. I took early retirement as Himself is 8 years older than me and was already retired. Best thing I ever did: work very hard, save even harder and prepare for retirement if you are able. I appreciate not everyone can but avoiding the issue won’t make it disappear.
Dr. Feelgood is 7.5 years older than I am. He will be retiring in the next year and I wish to do so too. I know our time together is, especially our time together while we are hale, should be viewed in terms of a decade or so rather than the many decades we believed we had when we first wed.